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Thursday, November 28, 2013

Another Gud Spanking; In the Same Meeting!

All had been forgiven for the "slip up," and the subject changed at that point, and it was not the subject I wanted to hear... the subject became, "You told me, 'NO' when I asked you to bring the paddles.  When you are asked to bring the paddles to me, you do not tell me 'NO', I think that deserves another spanking" I know this is weird, but my first thought was, "He didn't call them MY paddles... so my ownership of these paddles, must be over once they leave school"....and when he could see my reluctance for another spanking, he did the worst thing he could have done, he left the decision to me.... I knew from the beginning what I was going to do, I just wasn't sure how much time to waste in doing it... and then he made the comment that I could keep trying to convince him that I didn't deserve it, but I don't argue for argument's sake, and I pretty much have learned that a debate over this topic is of no use... so I conceded that he was right and I would willingly submit my bottom for another spanking. 
I was very relieved when he told me that we could go to the bedroom, and I could lay across the bed, where it would be more comfortable, (and then several thoughts scrolled through my mind like a fox news headline ticker)... my bedroom, (did he say MY bedroom or THE bedroom, why am I noticing all this ownership stuff now??), Oh no, the bedroom could really get me into trouble, what does he mean comfortable, how is a spanking going to be comfortable??, wonder if this one will be worse than the first one, Should I try and say something funny at this point, probably not, this would probably be a good time to keep your mouth shut... please don't ask me to pull my pants down, I dont want the wood on the paddle to pull the lace on my new panties, and I think it would REALLY BE painful since the one through my clothes hurt as bad as it did,
and as I lay down on the bed,  I wasn't sure what to expect.....

I found out pretty quick that this spanking was NOTHING like the first one, even with his hand, the whole mood was different.  The sting of the ping pong paddle was more than I wanted.  It did not take long until he asked if I was crying.  And I actually had to give it some thought and I knew it had to be quick.... My first thought was, "hmm, if I say, 'yes', he will stop and that will be it, but then he will see that I am lying and it will start all over again, and a spanking for lying, to get him to stop, would be even worse than this, (because the very first rule he gave me was that dishonesty would NOT be tolerated,) so just be honest," and then I heard his voice again, "Are you crying?" and all I could say was, 'no...." OUCH, "NO,SIR!!!!" hey, that's the big paddle, "OH MY, that hurts, that hurts really bad, ok, move around a little, maybe the wiggle will help, there's a tear, there's a tear, I am crying now, ask me now, ask me now, what was that safe word, oh no, there wasn't a safe word, and I am not sure a safe word would work for this kind of spanking anyway, OH GOD, please make him stop, MAKE HIM STOP!!! IT HURTS SOOO BAD!! reach back to tell him, no don't do that he'll hit your hand... ok, just be still and calm down and he will stop....BE STILL.... and he stopped.... I could not breathe, I had lost my breath....what is that?? Oh, I think he is rubbing my butt.... it tingles...  

I was crying, my bottom hurt so bad, I was really confused at what I was thinking and I was questioning MYSELF... (should I feel angry at him?, because I don't, Should I hate him?, because I don't, Should I feel that this can never happen again??, because I don't...I want to avoid it happening again, but could I live with it if it was a last resort??...) He helped me sit up and hugged me so close and so tight, "why is he shaking??? Is he nervous about this, too??"   And when he looked me in the eyes, with his hands on both sides of my face, I KNEW he was going to ask, "what are you feeling?"  I don't remember my exact words, but I think they were "confusion, questions"... and as we lay back on the bed and he held me, I felt that security again, that comfort, that closeness... and he said one of the most reassuring things I had heard in a long time, "my next marriage will be cdd.".... but then all of that reassurance quickly went away with his next statement..."I am not sure yours will be...." "What does he mean, did I do something wrong, say something wrong??"  and then it dawned on me that he was talking about my comment that I was confused and had questions...I knew I had to explain that those questions were about me, the confusion was about me, not about whether or not this would be a lifestyle I could accept or live with...and in my mind and my heart, at that moment, I knew it was more than that, it was a lifestyle I would cherish, a lifestyle I could whole- heartedly submit to, and a lifestyle I would embrace.... "but I shouldn't 'say that' right now... just be quiet...don't say more than you need to....only answer the questions you are asked" that is when I told him that the confusion and questions were about me... not about the situation, and then, I was being kissed again...

I can tell you that I learned a very important lesson from that experience.  I wanted to try to share with you, especially those of you also new to DD, that lesson.  It is interesting how a grown woman, who has gone through life in a successful career, been through two marriages (Ok, they weren't so successful), and was 40 years old, and never realized that something like DD could make me stop and look back over my life, and actually change something so important.  

I want to share, first of all, that after this experience, I was crying, my bottom hurt so bad, I was really confused at what I was thinking and as you saw, I was questioning MYSELF.

A little while after this experience I began thinking about the life I have lived.  I am an adult with ADHD, I have some obsessive/compulsive tendencies, I am a spontaneous, "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of woman and I have not had men who had any control over me at all, or even wanted to...not a  domestic discipline kind of control.  As I was thinking, it hit me, "I have to be self-controlled, everything my HOH has asked of me, since we began this journey a month ago, has been about SELF-CONTROL"...I finally realized, at that moment that for my whole adult life, I had been in control of everything around me (my relationships, my job, my decisions, my step-children, my choices of what I would do, where I would go, what I would wear, EVERYTHING, but the one thing I have had NO CONTROL over, was myself.... I know that sounds really bizarre, but it is so true.. I did not control my thoughts, my health, my feelings, my emotions, even some of my actions, I was not in control of myself, and now, by being submissive to another person and gifting someone else with control of my most personal thoughts and actions, I was learning to gain self-control) and I was confident that it had to be a part of my life."  

I can not speak for my HOH, but I think that through this experience we both learned some things.  He did share with me that he felt that he should never have to correct me, once we have dealt with a situation and merely spoken about it.  I should have enough self-control to not let those situations or offenses happen again, so that I do not have to be disciplined for it. 

I can tell you that through that first month of researching and discussion, since my first experience of "writing lines", and this experience, I started to think about things before I did them, or said them. I took time to give thought to my words, my actions, my home, and my health  It makes so much difference to know that you are giving to a man, who is giving to God, and I thank God everyday for the chance to learn more about CDD and for this new found comfort (except when sitting!) in my life.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

One Gud Spanking; The First!

This post is about my first spanking in ttwd.  After this, Gud gave me an assignment. I was to send him a letter about my thoughts, feelings, emotions during the experience.  The letter to him ended up being four emailed pages and well, more detail that I think anyone would want to know.  (It just basically confirms the "crazy" inside my head.  So, I have condensed it to an overall idea of my feelings before he came to visit the first time, what happened to get me that spanking (that I thought I would never deserve,) and my thought process and emotions through the whole thing.  

In writing about this I was overcome with emotion and couldn't work out in my mind, or in my heart, why. 

The day before he was to come and visit, for the first time ever, found my nerves to the point I considered taking anxiety medicine to help calm me, but decided I didn't need it, because I had done without it for so long.  I stopped the frantic thoughts and realized that first of all, I wasn't 100% sure you would get to come and then I looked around me and I had a MESS.... I started in the kitchen, went to the living room, the bathroom, the bedroom, I was overwhelmed all of a sudden over the things I needed to do.  Some of it was things I had been "meaning" to do since being alone, and just haven't taken the time.. my focus became my home....and when my focus was finally doing one job at a time, I stopped wasting time, and started getting some stuff done.  It was five total hours of work, trying to get everything finished.  I was on the kitchen, my last "job", he sent the text he was leaving and heading my way... it was almost surreal for me, that I was finally going to meet this man for the first time  .... and the nervous feelings started coming back again...  but I got my kitchen done, and got my shower, and while I was in the shower, I began praying... my prayer was for God to open Gud's eyes to His beauty within me, and not to my own ugliness... because as long as that beauty could be seen, then nothing else would matter.  That He continue to calm my fears as He calmed the storm, with peace, and that I would be open to accepting that peace.  I thanked him for this friendship He had sent, for the healing I have already gone through, through the process of being able to start to see the person I really am and starting to find myself, and through the honesty, that I feel like for the first time in my adult life, I can share...about how I feel, what I think, how I believe.... not only CAN share, but am encouraged to do so....and I also prayed a very specific prayer that if we were wasting our time, that God would very clearly show us that... I got out of the shower and got dressed, wondering if everything was the way it should be... my hair, my clothes, everything... but I did feel much better about my nerves at this point.  When I talked to him on the phone, he said that I sounded nervous, it made me feel good that I could say, "I am not nearly as nervous now, as I was"...that I had had a "calming".. but it made me feel even better to know, inside myself, I had done it without the help of a pill.... this had been the first time I had even considered that I may need one, and I persevered.  

When he pulled in the drive, I could feel the rise of nerves again, but no more than I think would be normal. I had so many thoughts in my mind, some were insecurities (my looks, my clothes, my personality, my house, my yard, etc, etc...) and then some reassurances... (hmmm, everything I have been thinking is "my", get over it... calm down, you have prayed about this, what is, is.... it will be ok.... take a deep breath....) and I did... we went into the house and thank, God, he had to go to the restroom... that gave me time to collect those reassurances (a little bit), and take another deep breath... 
When he sat down, all of the doubts rushed back at once, but when he said, "come here", and I scooted closer, the warmth of the hug wss exactly what I needed and what I expected.... and in a sigh of contentment, I thought, "Thank you, God, for getting me through this...."

What happened next, was not what I expected... I expected a light, affectionate, "nice to meet you" kiss, but not the one I received. It was a hard, passionate, "I WANT YOU" kiss...I can remember thinking, "our conversations have gone past the "nice to meet you" stage, so you shouldn't be shocked, just enjoy it," and enjoy it I did. I was so much enjoying the moment that I did NOT want it to stop.  I had not felt that kind of passion in so long, I could feel myself shaking all over, not from nerves this time...the nerves were gone, it was from the touching, feeling, closeness, the heat of the moment. 
Well, evidently, in the heat of the moment, trouble can be lurking!  I had this overcoming of "excitement" and something happened that I didn't have permission to happen. I was shocked and didn't expect that to happen.  He asked me if it happened, and all I could do was admit that it had, like the shiver going through my body wasn't enough. (I think this was reason enough for that first thought of spanking me.)

When he asked for me to get my paddles, (I was a teacher and had brought them home with me, at his request.) I can remember thinking, "ok, tell me he is joking....", so I laughingly tried to find out... my first thought was, he hasn't been here an hour and he wants the paddles, I don't think so, (knowing all along I would be getting the more ways than one)...and with a huge smile on my face I said, "NO".... I don't really remember all of the reasoning or conversation that persued after that, I just remember a few minutes later that I was closing the front door and getting the paddles out of my bag... I do remember specifying that the ping pong paddle would be the best choice....  When I got the paddles and he suggested (ok, ordered) that I bend over his knee on the couch, I was embarrased, confused, and excited, all at the same time.  Embarrased because it  was a very humbling position, confused because there were so many emotions, that I couldn't even identify, and excited because I was going to be spanked for not having self control and being disobedient.  So, I assumed the position...

When it first started, I thought, "Woe that stings pretty badly, and that is just his hand,"  and then I heard him reach for the paddle, and I could tell it was the ping pong paddle. It had a louder pop and by this time, my butt was starting to tingle, so I could feel the sting of each hit... I started to feel more pain, and while it started out being almost erotic, at that point, I was just thankful when it was over.... the hug and concern shown afterwards were very emotional for me, more so than the spanking, I think.  I do remember during that hug and that conversation, he asked what I was feeling... There was NO WAY, words could have even started to describe... I couldn't even wrap my mind around how I was feeling...there were so many emotions...Looking back, I can say there was unbelief and shock (I am not used to a man actually following through on anything he says), security (hmmm, there's that word again), I think my feelings were a little hurt, there was comfort, closeness, bonding, and a thought of "Oh no, what's that?? Could I be sexually aroused, too... still? but that's what got me into this trouble in the first place..."  So all I could muster for an answer was, "ALOT"....

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

How It All Began

Hi, I am Rose, Gud One's wife.  We began our Christian Domestic Discipline journey a few years ago.  I had just met this man online and after two weeks of talking, and sharing that I needed a "leader" in my home and him wanting to be a "leader" in his home, he asks this question, sort of nonchalantly, "Have you ever heard of CDD? It is also known as Christian Domestic Discipline."  I had not and he asked if I would be willing to read more about this and let him know what I thought....and I did.

We started out reading posts on a Yahoo! group for CDD.  He would send me, through email, a post link and ask, "What do you think about this?"  I saw posts about corner time, about writing lines, and yes, about spanking.  I have to admit the idea of being spanked was very appealing to me... sexually, that is..but for punishment?  I can remember telling him that I just couldn't imagine myself misbehaving so badly that I would need to be punished!  HAHAHA... That lead to discussions on what a "spankable offense" might be in his mind.  Things like disobeying rules, being disrespectful, being selfish, and the list goes on.  I realized that it was more about submissiveness and not "being a bad person."

My first DD experience was not the most exciting experience. We were in a long distance relationship, and no spanking was involved. I will share that post tomorrow.

In the beginning, Gud had me write about my feelings and thoughts and this was after the first experience, over three years ago:

I wanted to take the time to share my first CDD experience.  I want to explain that we have only "discussed" CDD to this point and how it would fit into our future.  I do agree with CDD and the Biblical fact that a wife is to be submissive to her husband, that the husband is given the responsibility from God to be the HOH.  With that said, we have been reading files and posts in a group, to better understand CDD and become very informed. 
Since being an adult, I have had a great need for a man to be the HOH.  I couldn't explain this desire or need that I had, because I was a VERY independent woman and it seemed to be contrary to the person I had become.  However, with the relationships I have been in, the men just have not been dominate men nor did they want to.  So I had the dilemma of how could I be an independent, educated, well-rounded woman, and NEED to be submissive... 
Now that this relationship is underway, and the discussion has been approached, and we have agreed that if/when we do get married and become a family, we will practice CDD.  It is a bit more difficult for us than most couples, because we live a few hours apart, and we do believe in Biblical morals and therefore, a bare bottom spanking is not quite conceivable for us, not being married, at this time.  So I did not expect what happened today, to happen. I have a very rare opportunity to use my job as a ministry, quite often.  Today, it was brought to my attention from a friend,(who is also co-worker and member of my church) in a loving way, that she felt that I had fallen down on my job.  I had let worldly things (computer, problematic relationships, becoming lax about my job) interfere with the job she knew I was capable of.  I had been struggling with this for some time, and had realized it had happened.  Because of some family problems, I began letting those things affect my job.  
I am a very honest person, and quite guilt ridden, so I always end up telling my mishaps and mistakes, even if they are just thoughts.  When I shared with my future HOH today, he made the comment that this is the type of behavior that CDD would be called for.  I told him that I had already thought about that fact.  So, he informed me, without warning, that when I got home today I would be writing 100 times: "God and those I work with deserve the best I can be and when I am at work I will focus on work"... the lines were not short, at all... and I was like... "Yeah, ok, is he kidding??..." and I said, Ok... and quickly got a reply "ok?"  I knew already what he was expecting and my reply changed to "YES, SIR".  He also informed me that because I had been disobedient to God's calling, I was to think about that and prostrate myself, literally, before God and repent before I could start writing my lines.  And then he said I would read my lines to him when he called.  My question to him was, "You want me to read this line 100 times?"  And then I quickly added, "Not questioning, just curious"... at this point, I still don't think it really sunk in that he was COMPLETELY serious, until he said "you will read EACH line to me when I call tonight". It was then that it hit me that HE IS VERY SERIOUS.... and I began thinking, if this is the relationship that God has willed, I am going to honor his authority and HIS authority.  You see, I do believe very strongly that he is a man of God and that in submission, he is completely submissive to God, therefore; I am to be completely submissive to him.  I then started thinking about where I had taken this job, that had once been open to God's will and ministry and how I had disappointed God, I had disappointed those who work around me and those who depend on me, and I had disappointed myself.  As I continued to think about the tasks that lie ahead of me, I became very nervous.  I was nervous because I did know he was very serious.  I was nervous because this was completely new to me. I was nervous because I know he always wants to know how I am feeling about what is happening or in a given situation and I would have to explain all of this, and I was nervous because I was questioning how sure I was about this whole CDD thing...even though I had said, "Yes, I think this is a good and right thing for us."  And then, I had the strangest feeling come over me, something I didn't expect, it was the feeling of "security"....for the first time in my adult life, I felt secure in a relationship.  Secure in the fact that someone expected a repentant behavior from me for something I had done wrong.  Secure in the fact that even though I made a mistake, when this task was over, it would be forgiven and over. Secure in the fact that it did not change the way someone felt about me because I had made that mistake.  I really was shocked that I felt that comfort of security.  I have been reading the posts on (a group) and some have mentioned those things, but I didn't understand it.  And I thought that maybe that had something to do with the fact that as a child, I was in a very strict, disciplined home.  My father ut no slack on anyone.  But that was the most secure I have ever felt in my life, until today.  I don't know if my words are even adequate to describe how I felt.  Those feelings, coupled with the reality that I could have destroyed God's ministry, were enough to get my attention.  
I had 8 hours to wait before I would be able to get home and take care of the task at hand (pun intended).  One thing that I have NOT shared with my future HOH (until he reads this post) is that in school, the worst punishment I could have gotten was "writing lines", I HATED IT, and I don't mean a little...I mean I detested writing lines so much, I would try to get out of it at all costs.... and I can tell you that after a couple of hours of writing today, that feeling hasn't changed at all... 
When I did get home I thought, what is the point of prostrating myself, but, I was told to do that, so I did, alone on my bed.  And it really did not take long at all after I started praying, that I could feel the humbleness of my spirit begin to take over. I have not felt this heart broken in a very long time.  I had a complete renewal before God, a time of repentance and recommitment.  Then it was time to start the arduous event of writing lines.  As I began writing, down to about the 20th line (and on my third page, I might add), the thought occurred to me, he will never know if I don't do all of these, except for the fact that I would end up feeling guilty about NOT doing it and telling him, soooo I continued writing.  And then I remembered that he wanted me to read them to him.  This really did not make any sense to me.  I thought, "I don't think he will actually sit there and listen to me read this 100 times, surely that part of this discipline won't happen, he will back down from that part."  My hand has not done that much writing in a very long time and let’s just say that when you don't use a muscle that much, IT HURTS!!! But, none the less, I finished my lines. 
 I had to wait a while after writing before he called.  When he did call, he asked how I was doing, and let me know that he did care how I felt, and then said, "Are you ready to read?"... I think my comment was, "but you know what it says...." Ok, this is my first CDD experience and obviously I did not have my "gee, you're a bright girl experience" today, or I would not have made that comment...I don't remember the exact words, but I think they were somewhere along the lines of, "so you don't want to read the lines then we can..." and before he could finish that statement with the seriousness back in his voice, I said, "I will read the lines, but it is 11 pages." You see, we do live two hours apart and I do know that a bare bottom spanking would be out of the question right now, however; I will be seeing him in about two weeks and I don't know what his mind could think up in that length of time. And so, the smarts in my head took over and I began reading.  As I started reading, I don't think I thought he would still go through with making me read them all, and about the second page of reading, it struck me that he was a man of his word, and I would be reading EVERY LINE I WROTE!!!!  And with that, I began feeling humiliation. Humiliation of what I had done, humiliation for having to read the lines (over and over and over), humiliation of being punished, and I could feel the tears begin to start, again.  Then, I began HEARING what I was reading.  His first thought when choosing for me to write this particular "line" was my accountability to God, then those that my life effects, and then my job.  And there was that broken heartedness again.  He did ask if I was crying...I told him I was, and he simply said, "Continue...." and continue I did, reading every last line that I had written.  When it was over, true to his word, he wanted to know how the whole experience today had made me feel.  Then, one of the greatest feelings I have felt in a while, happened when he said, "now, this is forgiven, it is over and done with." Wow, that's it... that no more guilt thing you ladies have mentioned, I GOT IT!!!  Then, (I think this man must have a memory like an elephant) he said, "I do want to address one other thing.  I feel that when I asked you to read your lines, you were very disrespectful, and that will not be tolerated. This was our first time to handle a situation with CDD and with that said, I don't expect it to happen again!" and I can say right now, that it won't happen again!! 
I have had so many questions answered through this one experience.  I have had so many realizations come to mind.  I have had confusion straightened out, and I have had so many emotions today, that I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.  I have had my first CDD experience and I survived..... :)   not only that, I finally understand why so many of you have chosen this life.  I can also tell you that I have understood today that my independence is still my independence.  It is the fact that if I exercise that independence in a way that could affect God's ministry or our lives, then it will be handled through my submission to him....  and I am very proud to be able to say that!!
So, that was it, my very first experience with CDD.  As an introduction to my blog and to get you "caught up" on our journey, I will be spending the first few posts in those first years and some of the feelings, experiences, and realizations I had.  And that, is How It All Began!