DD; It's The Gud Life

Domestic Discipline has helped me in so many ways.  My husband (GudOne) and I have been practicing Christian Domestic Discipline for over three years.   I want to share some of the things I have overcome. Because of wanting to walk closely with God and to be the woman He expects me to be as a Christian, I felt that DD could be the one tool to help me achieve that goal.  I have an amazing, godly husband who is more than happy to help me reach those goals.  It has been, for the most part, very easy to submit to such a man.  I want to say that I don’t feel a woman can be forced into submission.  Submission is a gift, freely given. For us, we have to be first, submissive to God and then I am to be submissive to my husband. 

Through this journey, it has been interesting to see a grown woman in her forties, who has gone through life in a successful career, been through two marriages (Ok, they weren't so successful), and never realized that something like DD could make me stop and look back over my life, and actually change something so important.  When we first began DD, I was a bit conflicted because of the peace and solace a spanking brought to my life.  I was not, however, confused about whether or not this would be a lifestyle I could accept or live with...and in my mind and my heart, I knew it was a lifestyle I would cherish, a lifestyle I could whole-heartedly submit to, and a lifestyle I would embrace....

 
A little while after we jumped into this lifestyle, I began thinking about the life I have lived.  I am an adult with ADHD, I have some obsessive/compulsive tendencies, I am a spontaneous, "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of woman and I have been used to being “in control” and leading in almost every aspect of my life.  In the past, I have not had men who had any control over me at all, or even wanted to.  One day, early on, the concept become clear to me that "I have to be self-controlled. Everything my HOH has asked of me, since we began this journey has been about SELF-CONTROL"...

I finally realized, at that moment that for my whole adult life, I had been in control of everything around me (my relationships, my job, my decisions, my step-children, my choices of what I would do, where I would go, what I would wear, EVERYTHING, but the one thing I have had NO CONTROL over, was myself.... I know that sounds really bizarre, but it is so true.. I did not control my thoughts, my health, my 
feelings, my emotions, even some of my actions, I was not in control of myself, and now, by being submissive to another person and gifting someone else with control of my most personal thoughts and actions, I am learning to gain self-control and I am learning that it has to be a part of my life.  Through this lifestyle, we have both learned some things.  

It became clear that I did have one thing that controlled me, my “collections.”  I don’t want to say I was a hoarder, because after watching that show about the hoarders, I decided I was more of a “collector.”  I had such a collection, that it became out of control. Not long after beginning our DD life, I no longer had a desire to have all of that “stuff,” and I cleaned it out.  I had a man who was in control of me and I could now conquer the masses of treasures I had a relationship with. I have a clean home, now, and that has also reduced my stress level, and my husband’s stress level.  I can easily slip back into old, habitual patterns, and let things slide.  Due to this, I have asked Gud to put some rules in place about the house.  As I got rooms completely cleaned, I now have daily chores to do to have a clean house all the time and not freak out because of a mess I let go too long.  When I see an “area of need” I will ask Gud to consider making this a rule or a boundary.  Ultimately, he makes the final decision as to whether or not it will be.  For me, when he gives me boundaries and rules, it solidifies that I must do this, and if I don’t it is then disobedience and will be dealt with accordingly. 

Through DD, I now think about things before I do them, or say them. I take time to give thought to my words, my actions. I had to learn to deal with my health, I had let myself get so far away from being healthy.  I have some health problems that, under control, are not life-threatening, but out of control, can be very life threatening.  No one had really cared about helping me take care of myself.  I now take my meds regularly and feel much better because someone cares enough to make sure I stay healthy, to compliment me and encourage me when I do, and to make me stop and take a look and focus on how I am feeling and thinking. 

 I am learning that my husband WANTS to hear my opinion and that my opinion is valuable to him.  I have learned to give my opinion in a respectful way.  I no longer have an argumentative spirit.  I share my opinion, I know I am heard, and he makes the decisions.  The burden of no longer making major decisions for a family has been lifted from me.  As a wife, that burden was not to be on my shoulders in the first place.  I am continuing to learn that without my opinion, Gud can not make the best decisions for our family, and it is my responsibility to share those with him.  Because of my past, that isn’t always easy. He has put rules in place that I must share my thoughts with him.  I have some insecurity when my thoughts are not in alignment with his, and he has lovingly reassured me that I will not be in trouble for having a different opinion, he won’t stop loving me, he won’t discard my thoughts. Considering it is difficult for me to be open up freely, this rule to talk to him about my thoughts and opinions has helped in opening up the lines of communication.  When we have regular evening discussions, I get more in the habit of being open and it is more comfortable for me to talk.  If we miss a few nights, I feel like it is starting over from the beginning.

Now, the delivery of my thoughts and opinions is subject to trouble, if not done respectfully. 

This leads me to my next way that DD has helped me.  I have the most amazing marriage, and I have had enough marriages to know the difference.  We do not argue, he doesn’t pout and storm off, I don’t scream and yell, we are happy in this union.  I can honestly say that I have never had a punishment because of arguing with Gud or having a tantrum, and the disrespect issue (only dealt with once) was because I admitted my actions, that he never saw.  My (step)children have never seen me be disrespectful to their father. They have never seen us argue.  They have thanked me for being honest to him and to them.  They see me serve their father with gladness in my heart.  They hear me call him “Sir,” and they see two people who are in love.  They don’t know about our DD lifestyle, but they do know that their father is the leader of our home and they know I am submissive to him.

Having rules and boundaries is very important to me.  I NEED them.  It is not just a desire or a fetish, in order for me to be as productive as possible, and manage our home and life, I need help with setting those boundaries.  Because of my focus-challenged personality, I may sit down to do a blog or a craft and intend to only spend a few minutes on it, and will end up in front of the computer or sewing machine for HOURS and not get anything else accomplished.  I often use a timer to help with time restraints and follow a checklist/schedule on a daily basis.  Having those rules and boundaries in place helps me feel secure and successful.  The only way I know to explain it to others is, imagine that you are in a house and just outside your doors there are dangers in every area of your yard.  Some of those dangers can creep inside if you allow your door to be open and some, you walk into if you step outside that door.  As long as you remain in your home with the door closed, you are safe.  Rules and boundaries are my protection from my own personal dangers, whether they be health, not getting my work finished, being unproductive, disrespectful, or just impulsive, whatever the case may be.

I never run my husband down.  I have no reason to.  I build him up in our home and I build him up outside our home.  I let others know how much I appreciate him and love him for being the leader in our home and for being a great provider, for caring for me and our family, and for being a caring, godly man.  In my first marriage, my husband and I very seldom had anything nice to say about each other, and even made jokes about our “short comings” in front of each other and in a group of friends.  With my second husband, I didn’t want to be mean, I wanted him to feel better about himself, so while he continually ran me down, often in a “joking manner,” I made great efforts not to do the same.  I did address things like his infidelity and other issues to his face, but that was not the same as pointing out issues and making fun of him.  I did talk to my friends and they knew about his poor behaviors.  In my search for my third husband, it was important that he be a man who walked upright and lived a righteous life.  I wanted someone I could be proud of and not see the little imperfections because the goodness would outshine that.  I have that in my HoH.  I have no desire to speak ill of him.  I only want to lift him up and encourage him.  I trust him with everything in me.

Another major way that DD helps our marriage is the sex.  Being submissive is such an erotic thing for me, and being dominant is erotic for Gud, so naturally, the physical side of our relationship is amazing.  I have had fantasies in the past, that are now realities.  I am a “fully” submissive wife.  I will never tell my husband, “No!”  I am his.  This concept didn’t come about just with DD.  This is one belief my mother instilled in me from a very early age.  “When you get married, you are to never tell your husband, ‘No” when he wants you sexually.”  She taught me that Biblically, it is wrong to deny him any pleasure.   As a teen, this idea became a fantastical dream and I couldn’t wait to be “taken” by my husband anytime, every time, where ever.  Three marriages later, that is a reality.  Because I was in “the leader” in previous marriages, I was expected to be the leader in the bedroom also, and that made my one area I was submissive in, null and void.  With being totally submissive to Gud, I have had to learn that it is still acceptable for me to let him know when I am “in the mood,” too.  The difference is, now I get to seduce him and tease him, and at some point in the seduction, he takes over and controls what is his. 

I have so many friends I would love to be able to share the benefits of this lifestyle.  When they tell me that they had an argument or disagreement over something, or when I hear women disrespect their husbands or run them down, I want to say, “He needs to take you over his knee and that would take care of that!”  But alas, I just smile and know that in our home, in our relationship, everything is just as it should be.  My bottom may be colorful at times, but my heart, spirit, and marriage are happy!

To sum it all up, this DD lifestyle has helped me be more focused, less stressed and anxious, more respectful, and less impulsivity.  I am honest and much more trustworthy that I have ever been.  My life is more organized and smooth flowing.  I am the happiest I have been as an adult, and this is mostly due to DD.  

Justification Can Mess You Up!!

Gud and I are participating in Kenzie's Spanko Advent Calendar.  It isn't too late to begin if you haven't started!!

We have enjoyed following along with the calendar but have fallen a bit "behind," I am sad to say.  We started on Day 2 and actually "caught up" the very first night. 

DD has helped me in so many ways, and I will be discussing that in an upcoming blog.  One of those is that I tend to allow our house to get "out of order."  I then stress out when it is time to clean it all up.  I have recently gotten things in very good shape and I asked Gud to "help" me keep it up.  He very much enjoys a clean house and readily agreed.  We decided that I would do daily chores to keep up the work I have already accomplished, and if those chores are not finished daily, a punishment or reminder is in order, whichever he sees appropriate to give.  

Each day, I send diary entries to Gud to let him know the progress of getting things done, and at night, he goes over the list and asks if I have anything I need to confess for the day.  I end up telling him in my diary anyway, but me being more open and swallowing my pride to verbally confess helps me feel more submissive.  On Monday night, we went over the list and one of the things he asks is, has all of the laundry been folded and put away.  Other than a set of sheets I had planned to put on the bed, I answered "yes." 

On Tuesday morning, I picked up that set of sheets and under them was a small pile of laundry that I, evidently, had not put away.  My very first thought was, "Oops, I need to get those put away."  My next thought was, "I really need to let Gud know I left these out."  Now, this is where most people would say, "WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU DO THAT?" Well, ttwd is to help me keep up with the housework and chores.  I asked him to help me with this, and if he isn't aware of problems or things I let slip up, he can't help me.  So, in my next diary entry, I sent him a picture of the little pile of laundry and told him they had been left undone.  

We recently had a "refocus" week and he agreed to be more consistent.  He sent a response to my entry to let me know we would "deal with it" that evening.  I thanked him and knew he would be true to his word.  I also thanked him for being consistent and being a great HoH.  

Being a woman, a hormonal woman, something happened that afternoon.  I remembered WHY the laundry was there.  I found it in the dryer while in the middle of cooking for Thanksgiving.  I didn't want to forget it again, so I put it in a small basket and took it to our room to put away when I could.  I cooked until  late and we were leaving early the next morning (Thanksgiving) to go to my family's.  When we got home on Thanksgiving evening, I discovered one of our dogs had left a big "wet" spot on my side of the bed.  I went for sheets to find we had none cleaned. Our dryer is not heating and sheets are done in the mornings to dry for the day, as I need them.  So, I put a flat sheet on the bed.  Friday and Saturday Gud and I spent the days taking care of errands while we had the opportunity to go alone.  Each evening, we got home and I started dinner and evening chores until bedtime.  Sunday was church and then more cooking.  Monday was spent doing errands in the morning, guest leaving mid-day, and then the next few hours catching up on daily chores until time to cook dinner.  That evening I relaxed and chatted with my DD friends. On Tuesday, there they lay, so I began justifying why they were not put away and I think I talked myself out of "deserving" a punishment.  I have tried so hard to be good and it has been a month since I have been punished.  I debated whether or not to share this "information" with Gud.  I then rationalized that I COULD have put the things away on Monday, but I didn't want to do that.  I was tired and exhausted and I needed time for me!  (See how this works in my head??  Does anybody else do this?)

Another thing compounded the situation that afternoon.  I LOVE the holidays.  I enjoy entertaining and having folks over and decorating, and just being festive and happy and sharing with others.  Since moving to a new place, that hasn't happened.  I began missing my old friends and became homesick and depressed with the thought of not having those fun holiday celebrations.

I have this really bad habit of planning things out in my head and figuring out the best way that things can play out.  The problem with this is, very seldom do things ever go the way I "planned."  So, my thoughts:  "It has been over 12 hours since finding the laundry.  After the kids go to bed, I will ask to get my shower.  I would like to have some time to think about this and get in the proper mood for this punishment.  He usually doesn't have me do corner time or alone time before, but I will ask for that tonight. When we talk before the punishment, I will explain how they came to be left, but I will admit that they could have been done on Monday, and that I should have gotten that done."

How it really played out:  I asked to get my shower and asked, "Would you like for me to get in my bed clothes and come to bed as usual, after my shower, or would you rather I go to the closet and wait for you? " [NOTE:  In a note of explanation, "the closet" will be mentioned in my blogs often (I am sure of it!).  We have teens in our home..three of them, and we need a quiet, private place to have our spanking sessions, whether they be good girl spankings, reminders, maintenance, erotic spankings, or punishment (that might be heard), so we use our closet, which is behind three closed doors and downstairs after they go to bed.] The response was that I would come back to the bedroom because we needed more time to assure the kids were asleep.  After my shower, we chatted for a while and he told me to go to the closet and pray and think about what I had done and ask forgiveness.  While in the closet, I got out the box of implements, undressed, and prayed.  While praying, I thanked God for the HoH I have and I prayed for forgiveness for..... well, hmmm, what am I actually asking forgiveness for?  I couldn't finish the statement, at first.  I justified that I could have put the laundry away on Monday, and that is why I was being punished.  I forgot, so I prayed for God to help me with my forgetfulness (even though I was very busy!!) and I kept praying and feeling more and more solemn and down... 

And then Gud came in.  He told me he loved me, he told me that I needed to remember to put things away, and he told me this was a punishment, so there wouldn't be much of a warm up.  I let him know I understood, and then the punishment began.  We are in a closet, so there is no otk, I bend over, with my hands on a wicker hamper.  I can tell you, he is taking pride in "stepping up" on the punishment!  Not having one in a month, it didn't take long to be stinging A LOT!  I cried much easier than usual.  I reached my breaking point much quicker, and I felt crushed, even though the actual punishment was not as severe as it would have been, had this been a serious issue.  Usually, for me, spanking is a release of guilt, an end to the feeling of needing and deserving punishment; it is cathartic.  I cry, I am given loving after care, which includes being  gently held and told I am loved and forgiven, and it is over. Usually the words, "it is over, all is forgiven," is the end of it all and we move on, but not this time, for me, at least.  

I had rationalized with myself that I didn't deserve this spanking, I was depressed over the holiday thing, and it all released during that spanking.  He tried giving aftercare, he hugged, he was gentle and loving, and caring.  I was there, but not emotionally, only in body.  I didn't know how I felt, I didn't know why I was so broken, I felt crushed in spirit.  A few minutes later he asked if I wanted to do the spanko calendar, because I had asked earlier in the day if we could still do it, even though I was being punished, and I didn't want to.  This was a very hard evening for me.  I cried for a couple of hours until I fell asleep.  

Then next morning, Gud felt so bad!!  After our morning prayers, he apologized for the spanking.  I told him that I was not sorry and I was glad he did it.  His comment, "Yeah, ok, like that helps," and he went to get his bath.  I was worried that he wouldn't want to continue doing CDD.  While he was in his bath, we talked.  I explained more of these thoughts I had the night before.  He realized he had not talked to me before the punishment and had no idea my thoughts had changed from that "thank you for being a great HoH" diary entry he had gotten that morning.  After talking to me, he pointed out that I had justified to myself that I didn't need to be spanked, and that was one of the reasons I had such a hard time. He decided that regardless of what he thought, he was going to make sure to discuss the issue before punishment begins in the future, to avoid bad reactions.  I may not always agree with whether or not I need punishment, but we must communicate so we can be on the same page so he knows how to handle my emotions afterward. It is very important for aftercare.  

That day, my bottom was a bit sensitive, but nothing like it could have been.  I had a rough morning with the depression of not having my hometown friends and family near me, but with his encouragement, we decided to plan a Christmas party for our church family.  My day got better and my mood turned around.  I don't regret the spanking.  I am glad he did it...now!  I want to know that he is going to continue to be there for me as I mess up and forget and make excuses, and justify my poor behavior.  

He is the most loving man I know.  Yesterday, he came home from work sick, and we didn't do the advent calendar last night, so we missed two nights in a row!  Well, he has worked from home today and instead of "mistletoe" we have a snowflake.  (I earn a swat for every time I walk through that door and have racked up over 50 swats today!)  We are making up for all three nights, tonight... so, I get to ask if I have been a good girl or naughty, we use a new implement (extra points for a Christmas theme), AND the swats for the snowflake.  This has been a fun, exciting, erotic day, with private notes and texts and flirting and loving.  I can't wait for the kids to be in bed!!  

Being Gud and Consistent

 Gud and I practice CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline) and I have been asked lately, what I see as the difference in CDD and DD, and now that we have been in ttwd for a length of time, if I see that we are doing more DD than CDD.  While this post is not focused on the difference in the two, I do hope the meaning and thought of CDD in our relationship and how it effects the choices I make.  

Over the years of being involved in ttwd, and being in groups, forums, and chats, during research, and now life,

I have found some of the common concerns in the submissive partners.  In many posts, topics, and discussions I have seen: women who feel that they are treated as a child, women wishing their husbands would be more consistent, and women who do things (whether intentional or not) to force an act of discipline.  Over the years, these posts have brought some very interesting questions to my mind, and some high curiosities.  Some of which, I would ask Gud concerning how he may handle a situation, should it ever arise.  At the beginning of our relationship, I was extremely curious, and while I have always had the freedom to ask anything of my HOH, many of my questions were, “What would happen to me if I did….” Or “What would my punishment be if I did…?”  Because we were still "getting to know one another," he became quite distraught. It seemed, to him, that I was toying with the idea of actually trying some of these behaviors I was reading examples of online.   One night, after some of my questions, we had quite a lengthy discussion. I reassured him that I was not thinking about trying any of the behaviors I had inquired about, but was just curious how he would handle those situations.  Through our discussion we talked about the fact that being a wife in a CDD relationship, should NEVER make him feel that he has another child in his home.  From my perspective, submitting to my husband is required of me by God. That is how He created us. I have but two main desires in my life, and all other things fall so nicely into those two categories. First of all, my desire is to be pleasing to God, to be the woman He created me to be, use the talents and gifts He gave me for His glory and benefit.  Secondly, my desire is to be submissive and pleasing to Gud.  The one key to this is that my HOH is a Man of God, submissive to God, and lives his life according to God’s Word.  When a man does those things, as a Christian woman, why would I NOT want to follow him?  I love the fact that my HOH is strong enough in God’s Word, that when he sees something in me not of a holy nature, he can quickly point that out to me, in a very loving, very gentle way, but in a way that I have a desire to want to change, because it is God’s teaching and not his.  Being a Christian and growing in Christ, is an ongoing process.  It is not something that is “finished” when we accept Christ, and I WANT to grow.   In Ephesians 5:22, which is used so frequently in CDD circles, it says: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.”  This is not given as an option, but as a command.  It does not say, “Wives, when you feel like it, or in a good mood, or not PMSing, or not mad because you haven’t had a spanking in four weeks, then, if you would like to, you can submit to your husbands.”  There are no conditions placed on that command to submit. I am sure that women were just as hormonal in Bible times as they are now, created in the same way, by the same God.  When something is pointed out to me, by my HOH, that he does not agree with, then from that time on I make every attempt to NOT do that.  He does not pick on every little trivial thing that I do, but the things that set us apart from the world (Romans 12:2 do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is- His good pleasing and perfect will). We are to be different, we are to look different, we are to be an example of holy living (1 Corinthians 1:2, 1 Peter 1:15-16). Living a Holy life, is also a command, not an option.  1 Peter 1: 15-16 says: “But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written, ‘Be holy, because I am holy.’”  BE HOLY…again, there are not conditions placed on this command.   I think when we “act out” and have tantrums, and choose to do things intentionally that we know our husbands disapprove of (bad language, lying, speeding, not doing a chore or a task) we are acting like children and put them in positions to treat us like children.  I KNOW that I am going to mess up, I know that I am going to do things that I shouldn’t do, and I KNOW I will be punished for it.  But, when I really make a conscious effort to submit to and please Gud, then those things are not so much of a temptation, and if I stop and think and PRAY about my actions before doing them, I will usually choose not make a poor choice.   If I am in a bad mood, I try to go for a walk and pray or go to a quiet place for a few minutes and pray.  If nothing else get in the shower, turn on the warm water, and just close your eyes and pray.  Many don’t believe in the power of prayer, but I have had it work in my life and I will continue to keep that line of communication open with my Father. For me, bratting or doing something that I KNOW I am not supposed to do, or asking and being told no and then pouting or doing it anyway, is a childish way to handle the situation, so why would I complain about being treated like a child when acting like one??  To quote my HOH,  “Discipline shouldn’t have to be weekly- you are supposed to mature and learn and stop doing wrong things. If a wife feels that she needs the release of a spanking, then she should talk to her HOH instead of bratting and try to get that need met without purposefully acting out. HOH’s should not HAVE to discipline their wives-it’s something that should be rare. This is not to say that spanking cannot be done for romantic reasons or stress relief reasons, but discipline should be something a wife does to herself- it is called self-control.  The HOH should only have to step in and discipline his wife but rarely, when she needs added help to show self-control in a specific area.”  Now, that quote came from him in the beginning stages of our relationship, but I think it is safe to say, that he expects me to practice self-control so the spankings I receive do not have to be discipline, but more support and encouragement, and reminders.   On the topic of inconsistency, I have come to a few of the conclusions:  1. Some HOHs may become inconsistent because they do not see growth in their wives.  If they are trying and trying, and there is no growth or behavior maturity, they may just feel like, “what’s the point?”   2. For others, it may be that they do not feel the need or the importance of domestic discipline.  In that case, it would NOT be “submissive” to force him into something that he did not feel led to do.  If you feel that you NEED domestic discipline because of your attitude or behavior and your spouse is not willing, then there is one answer as a Christian woman. PRAY that God remove your attitude and your behavior and help you become a submissive wife to your husband, and it is OK to let him know that you are praying for that, and ask him to pray for that.    3. Some HOHs have a problem with discipline spanking because they do not want to hurt their wife.  They agree with DD and with punishment, but they feel bad if their wife is hurt.   4.  Life happens and scheduling and finding time can often be hard to work into a schedule and be a lot of work.   We have found over through our CDD lifestyle that some things change as we change.  Every couple has different needs, but from my perspective, when we commit to ttwd, we are saying, "Help me be a better person!"  We have a responsibility to actually put effort forth to be that person, we have to communicate our need for spankings, and we have to be open when our HOH isn't as consistent as we need for him to be.

Another Gud Spanking; In the Same Meeting!

All had been forgiven for the "slip up," and the subject changed at that point, and it was not the subject I wanted to hear... the subject became, "You told me, 'NO' when I asked you to bring the paddles.  When you are asked to bring the paddles to me, you do not tell me 'NO', I think that deserves another spanking" I know this is weird, but my first thought was, "He didn't call them MY paddles... so my ownership of these paddles, must be over once they leave school"....and when he could see my reluctance for another spanking, he did the worst thing he could have done, he left the decision to me.... I knew from the beginning what I was going to do, I just wasn't sure how much time to waste in doing it... and then he made the comment that I could keep trying to convince him that I didn't deserve it, but I don't argue for argument's sake, and I pretty much have learned that a debate over this topic is of no use... so I conceded that he was right and I would willingly submit my bottom for another spanking. 

I was very relieved when he told me that we could go to the bedroom, and I could lay across the bed, where it would be more comfortable, (and then several thoughts scrolled through my mind like a fox news headline ticker)... my bedroom, (did he say MY bedroom or THE bedroom, why am I noticing all this ownership stuff now??), Oh no, the bedroom could really get me into trouble, what does he mean comfortable, how is a spanking going to be comfortable??, wonder if this one will be worse than the first one, Should I try and say something funny at this point, probably not, this would probably be a good time to keep your mouth shut... please don't ask me to pull my pants down, I dont want the wood on the paddle to pull the lace on my new panties, and I think it would REALLY BE painful since the one through my clothes hurt as bad as it did,

and as I lay down on the bed,  I wasn't sure what to expect.....

I found out pretty quick that this spanking was NOTHING like the first one, even with his hand, the whole mood was different.  The sting of the ping pong paddle was more than I wanted.  It did not take long until he asked if I was crying.  And I actually had to give it some thought and I knew it had to be quick.... My first thought was, "hmm, if I say, 'yes', he will stop and that will be it, but then he will see that I am lying and it will start all over again, and a spanking for lying, to get him to stop, would be even worse than this, (because the very first rule he gave me was that dishonesty would NOT be tolerated,) so just be honest," and then I heard his voice again, "Are you crying?" and all I could say was, 'no...." OUCH, "NO,SIR!!!!" hey, that's the big paddle, "OH MY, that hurts, that hurts really bad, ok, move around a little, maybe the wiggle will help, there's a tear, there's a tear, I am crying now, ask me now, ask me now, what was that safe word, oh no, there wasn't a safe word, and I am not sure a safe word would work for this kind of spanking anyway, OH GOD, please make him stop, MAKE HIM STOP!!! IT HURTS SOOO BAD!! reach back to tell him, no don't do that he'll hit your hand... ok, just be still and calm down and he will stop....BE STILL.... and he stopped.... I could not breathe, I had lost my breath....what is that?? Oh, I think he is rubbing my butt.... it tingles...  

I was crying, my bottom hurt so bad, I was really confused at what I was thinking and I was questioning MYSELF... (should I feel angry at him?, because I don't, Should I hate him?, because I don't, Should I feel that this can never happen again??, because I don't...I want to avoid it happening again, but could I live with it if it was a last resort??...) He helped me sit up and hugged me so close and so tight, "why is he shaking??? Is he nervous about this, too??"   And when he looked me in the eyes, with his hands on both sides of my face, I KNEW he was going to ask, "what are you feeling?"  I don't remember my exact words, but I think they were "confusion, questions"... and as we lay back on the bed and he held me, I felt that security again, that comfort, that closeness... and he said one of the most reassuring things I had heard in a long time, "my next marriage will be cdd.".... but then all of that reassurance quickly went away with his next statement..."I am not sure yours will be...." "What does he mean, did I do something wrong, say something wrong??"  and then it dawned on me that he was talking about my comment that I was confused and had questions...I knew I had to explain that those questions were about me, the confusion was about me, not about whether or not this would be a lifestyle I could accept or live with...and in my mind and my heart, at that moment, I knew it was more than that, it was a lifestyle I would cherish, a lifestyle I could whole- heartedly submit to, and a lifestyle I would embrace.... "but I shouldn't 'say that' right now... just be quiet...don't say more than you need to....only answer the questions you are asked"...so that is when I told him that the confusion and questions were about me... not about the situation, and then, I was being kissed again...

I can tell you that I learned a very important lesson from that experience.  I wanted to try to share with you, especially those of you also new to DD, that lesson.  It is interesting how a grown woman, who has gone through life in a successful career, been through two marriages (Ok, they weren't so successful), and was 40 years old, and never realized that something like DD could make me stop and look back over my life, and actually change something so important.  

I want to share, first of all, that after this experience, I was crying, my bottom hurt so bad, I was really confused at what I was thinking and as you saw, I was questioning MYSELF.

A little while after this experience I began thinking about the life I have lived.  I am an adult with ADHD, I have some obsessive/compulsive tendencies, I am a spontaneous, "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of woman and I have not had men who had any control over me at all, or even wanted to...not a  domestic discipline kind of control.  As I was thinking, it hit me, "I have to be self-controlled, everything my HOH has asked of me, since we began this journey a month ago, has been about SELF-CONTROL"...I finally realized, at that moment that for my whole adult life, I had been in control of everything around me (my relationships, my job, my decisions, my step-children, my choices of what I would do, where I would go, what I would wear, EVERYTHING, but the one thing I have had NO CONTROL over, was myself.... I know that sounds really bizarre, but it is so true.. I did not control my thoughts, my health, my feelings, my emotions, even some of my actions, I was not in control of myself, and now, by being submissive to another person and gifting someone else with control of my most personal thoughts and actions, I was learning to gain self-control) and I was confident that it had to be a part of my life."  

I can not speak for my HOH, but I think that through this experience we both learned some things.  He did share with me that he felt that he should never have to correct me, once we have dealt with a situation and merely spoken about it.  I should have enough self-control to not let those situations or offenses happen again, so that I do not have to be disciplined for it. 

I can tell you that through that first month of researching and discussion, since my first experience of "writing lines", and this experience, I started to think about things before I did them, or said them. I took time to give thought to my words, my actions, my home, and my health  It makes so much difference to know that you are giving to a man, who is giving to God, and I thank God everyday for the chance to learn more about CDD and for this new found comfort (except when sitting!) in my life.

One Gud Spanking; The First!

This post is about my first spanking in ttwd.  After this, Gud gave me an assignment. I was to send him a letter about my thoughts, feelings, emotions during the experience.  The letter to him ended up being four emailed pages and well, more detail that I think anyone would want to know.  (It just basically confirms the "crazy" inside my head.  So, I have condensed it to an overall idea of my feelings before he came to visit the first time, what happened to get me that spanking (that I thought I would never deserve,) and my thought process and emotions through the whole thing.  

In writing about this I was overcome with emotion and couldn't work out in my mind, or in my heart, why. 

The day before he was to come and visit, for the first time ever, found my nerves to the point I considered taking anxiety medicine to help calm me, but decided I didn't need it, because I had done without it for so long.  I stopped the frantic thoughts and realized that first of all, I wasn't 100% sure you would get to come and then I looked around me and I had a MESS.... I started in the kitchen, went to the living room, the bathroom, the bedroom, I was overwhelmed all of a sudden over the things I needed to do.  Some of it was things I had been "meaning" to do since being alone, and just haven't taken the time.. my focus became my home....and when my focus was finally doing one job at a time, I stopped wasting time, and started getting some stuff done.  It was five total hours of work, trying to get everything finished.  I was on the kitchen, my last "job", he sent the text he was leaving and heading my way... it was almost surreal for me, that I was finally going to meet this man for the first time  .... and the nervous feelings started coming back again...  but I got my kitchen done, and got my shower, and while I was in the shower, I began praying... my prayer was for God to open Gud's eyes to His beauty within me, and not to my own ugliness... because as long as that beauty could be seen, then nothing else would matter.  That He continue to calm my fears as He calmed the storm, with peace, and that I would be open to accepting that peace.  I thanked him for this friendship He had sent, for the healing I have already gone through, through the process of being able to start to see the person I really am and starting to find myself, and through the honesty, that I feel like for the first time in my adult life, I can share...about how I feel, what I think, how I believe.... not only CAN share, but am encouraged to do so....and I also prayed a very specific prayer that if we were wasting our time, that God would very clearly show us that... I got out of the shower and got dressed, wondering if everything was the way it should be... my hair, my clothes, everything... but I did feel much better about my nerves at this point.  When I talked to him on the phone, he said that I sounded nervous, it made me feel good that I could say, "I am not nearly as nervous now, as I was"...that I had had a "calming".. but it made me feel even better to know, inside myself, I had done it without the help of a pill.... this had been the first time I had even considered that I may need one, and I persevered.  

When he pulled in the drive, I could feel the rise of nerves again, but no more than I think would be normal. I had so many thoughts in my mind, some were insecurities (my looks, my clothes, my personality, my house, my yard, etc, etc...) and then some reassurances... (hmmm, everything I have been thinking is "my", get over it... calm down, you have prayed about this, what is, is.... it will be ok.... take a deep breath....) and I did... we went into the house and thank, God, he had to go to the restroom... that gave me time to collect those reassurances (a little bit), and take another deep breath... 

When he sat down, all of the doubts rushed back at once, but when he said, "come here", and I scooted closer, the warmth of the hug wss exactly what I needed and what I expected.... and in a sigh of contentment, I thought, "Thank you, God, for getting me through this...."

What happened next, was not what I expected... I expected a light, affectionate, "nice to meet you" kiss, but not the one I received. It was a hard, passionate, "I WANT YOU" kiss...I can remember thinking, "our conversations have gone past the "nice to meet you" stage, so you shouldn't be shocked, just enjoy it," and enjoy it I did. I was so much enjoying the moment that I did NOT want it to stop.  I had not felt that kind of passion in so long, I could feel myself shaking all over, not from nerves this time...the nerves were gone, it was from the touching, feeling, closeness, the heat of the moment. 

Well, evidently, in the heat of the moment, trouble can be lurking!  I had this overcoming of "excitement" and something happened that I didn't have permission to happen. I was shocked and didn't expect that to happen.  He asked me if it happened, and all I could do was admit that it had, like the shiver going through my body wasn't enough. (I think this was reason enough for that first thought of spanking me.)

When he asked for me to get my paddles, (I was a teacher and had brought them home with me, at his request.) I can remember thinking, "ok, tell me he is joking....", so I laughingly tried to find out... my first thought was, he hasn't been here an hour and he wants the paddles, I don't think so, (knowing all along I would be getting the paddles...in more ways than one)...and with a huge smile on my face I said, "NO".... I don't really remember all of the reasoning or conversation that persued after that, I just remember a few minutes later that I was closing the front door and getting the paddles out of my bag... I do remember specifying that the ping pong paddle would be the best choice....  When I got the paddles and he suggested (ok, ordered) that I bend over his knee on the couch, I was embarrased, confused, and excited, all at the same time.  Embarrased because it  was a very humbling position, confused because there were so many emotions, that I couldn't even identify, and excited because I was going to be spanked for not having self control and being disobedient.  So, I assumed the position...

When it first started, I thought, "Woe that stings pretty badly, and that is just his hand,"  and then I heard him reach for the paddle, and I could tell it was the ping pong paddle. It had a louder pop and by this time, my butt was starting to tingle, so I could feel the sting of each hit... I started to feel more pain, and while it started out being almost erotic, at that point, I was just thankful when it was over.... the hug and concern shown afterwards were very emotional for me, more so than the spanking, I think.  I do remember during that hug and that conversation, he asked what I was feeling... There was NO WAY, words could have even started to describe... I couldn't even wrap my mind around how I was feeling...there were so many emotions...Looking back, I can say there was unbelief and shock (I am not used to a man actually following through on anything he says), security (hmmm, there's that word again), I think my feelings were a little hurt, there was comfort, closeness, bonding, and a thought of "Oh no, what's that?? Could I be sexually aroused, too... still? but that's what got me into this trouble in the first place..."  So all I could muster for an answer was, "ALOT"....

How It All Began

Hi, I am Rose, Gud One's wife.  We began our Christian Domestic Discipline journey a few years ago.  I had just met this man online and after two weeks of talking, and sharing that I needed a "leader" in my home and him wanting to be a "leader" in his home, he asks this question, sort of nonchalantly, "Have you ever heard of CDD? It is also known as Christian Domestic Discipline."  I had not and he asked if I would be willing to read more about this and let him know what I thought....and I did.

We started out reading posts on a Yahoo! group for CDD.  He would send me, through email, a post link and ask, "What do you think about this?"  I saw posts about corner time, about writing lines, and yes, about spanking.  I have to admit the idea of being spanked was very appealing to me... sexually, that is..but for punishment?  I can remember telling him that I just couldn't imagine myself misbehaving so badly that I would need to be punished!  HAHAHA... That lead to discussions on what a "spankable offense" might be in his mind.  Things like disobeying rules, being disrespectful, being selfish, and the list goes on.  I realized that it was more about submissiveness and not "being a bad person."

My first DD experience was not the most exciting experience. We were in a long distance relationship, and no spanking was involved. I will share that post tomorrow.

In the beginning, Gud had me write about my feelings and thoughts and this was after the first experience, over three years ago:

I wanted to take the time to share my first CDD experience.  I want to explain that we have only "discussed" CDD to this point and how it would fit into our future.  I do agree with CDD and the Biblical fact that a wife is to be submissive to her husband, that the husband is given the responsibility from God to be the HOH.  With that said, we have been reading files and posts in a group, to better understand CDD and become very informed. 

Since being an adult, I have had a great need for a man to be the HOH.  I couldn't explain this desire or need that I had, because I was a VERY independent woman and it seemed to be contrary to the person I had become.  However, with the relationships I have been in, the men just have not been dominate men nor did they want to.  So I had the dilemma of how could I be an independent, educated, well-rounded woman, and NEED to be submissive... 

Now that this relationship is underway, and the discussion has been approached, and we have agreed that if/when we do get married and become a family, we will practice CDD.  It is a bit more difficult for us than most couples, because we live a few hours apart, and we do believe in Biblical morals and therefore, a bare bottom spanking is not quite conceivable for us, not being married, at this time.  So I did not expect what happened today, to happen. I have a very rare opportunity to use my job as a ministry, quite often.  Today, it was brought to my attention from a friend,(who is also co-worker and member of my church) in a loving way, that she felt that I had fallen down on my job.  I had let worldly things (computer, problematic relationships, becoming lax about my job) interfere with the job she knew I was capable of.  I had been struggling with this for some time, and had realized it had happened.  Because of some family problems, I began letting those things affect my job.  

I am a very honest person, and quite guilt ridden, so I always end up telling my mishaps and mistakes, even if they are just thoughts.  When I shared with my future HOH today, he made the comment that this is the type of behavior that CDD would be called for.  I told him that I had already thought about that fact.  So, he informed me, without warning, that when I got home today I would be writing 100 times: "God and those I work with deserve the best I can be and when I am at work I will focus on work"... the lines were not short, at all... and I was like... "Yeah, ok, is he kidding??..." and I said, Ok... and quickly got a reply "ok?"  I knew already what he was expecting and my reply changed to "YES, SIR".  He also informed me that because I had been disobedient to God's calling, I was to think about that and prostrate myself, literally, before God and repent before I could start writing my lines.  And then he said I would read my lines to him when he called.  My question to him was, "You want me to read this line 100 times?"  And then I quickly added, "Not questioning, just curious"... at this point, I still don't think it really sunk in that he was COMPLETELY serious, until he said "you will read EACH line to me when I call tonight". It was then that it hit me that HE IS VERY SERIOUS.... and I began thinking, if this is the relationship that God has willed, I am going to honor his authority and HIS authority.  You see, I do believe very strongly that he is a man of God and that in submission, he is completely submissive to God, therefore; I am to be completely submissive to him.  I then started thinking about where I had taken this job, that had once been open to God's will and ministry and how I had disappointed God, I had disappointed those who work around me and those who depend on me, and I had disappointed myself.  As I continued to think about the tasks that lie ahead of me, I became very nervous.  I was nervous because I did know he was very serious.  I was nervous because this was completely new to me. I was nervous because I know he always wants to know how I am feeling about what is happening or in a given situation and I would have to explain all of this, and I was nervous because I was questioning how sure I was about this whole CDD thing...even though I had said, "Yes, I think this is a good and right thing for us."  And then, I had the strangest feeling come over me, something I didn't expect, it was the feeling of "security"....for the first time in my adult life, I felt secure in a relationship.  Secure in the fact that someone expected a repentant behavior from me for something I had done wrong.  Secure in the fact that even though I made a mistake, when this task was over, it would be forgiven and over. Secure in the fact that it did not change the way someone felt about me because I had made that mistake.  I really was shocked that I felt that comfort of security.  I have been reading the posts on (a group) and some have mentioned those things, but I didn't understand it.  And I thought that maybe that had something to do with the fact that as a child, I was in a very strict, disciplined home.  My father ut no slack on anyone.  But that was the most secure I have ever felt in my life, until today.  I don't know if my words are even adequate to describe how I felt.  Those feelings, coupled with the reality that I could have destroyed God's ministry, were enough to get my attention.  

I had 8 hours to wait before I would be able to get home and take care of the task at hand (pun intended).  One thing that I have NOT shared with my future HOH (until he reads this post) is that in school, the worst punishment I could have gotten was "writing lines", I HATED IT, and I don't mean a little...I mean I detested writing lines so much, I would try to get out of it at all costs.... and I can tell you that after a couple of hours of writing today, that feeling hasn't changed at all... 

When I did get home I thought, what is the point of prostrating myself, but, I was told to do that, so I did, alone on my bed.  And it really did not take long at all after I started praying, that I could feel the humbleness of my spirit begin to take over. I have not felt this heart broken in a very long time.  I had a complete renewal before God, a time of repentance and recommitment.  Then it was time to start the arduous event of writing lines.  As I began writing, down to about the 20th line (and on my third page, I might add), the thought occurred to me, he will never know if I don't do all of these, except for the fact that I would end up feeling guilty about NOT doing it and telling him, soooo I continued writing.  And then I remembered that he wanted me to read them to him.  This really did not make any sense to me.  I thought, "I don't think he will actually sit there and listen to me read this 100 times, surely that part of this discipline won't happen, he will back down from that part."  My hand has not done that much writing in a very long time and let’s just say that when you don't use a muscle that much, IT HURTS!!! But, none the less, I finished my lines. 

 I had to wait a while after writing before he called.  When he did call, he asked how I was doing, and let me know that he did care how I felt, and then said, "Are you ready to read?"... I think my comment was, "but you know what it says...." Ok, this is my first CDD experience and obviously I did not have my "gee, you're a bright girl experience" today, or I would not have made that comment...I don't remember the exact words, but I think they were somewhere along the lines of, "so you don't want to read the lines then we can..." and before he could finish that statement with the seriousness back in his voice, I said, "I will read the lines, but it is 11 pages." You see, we do live two hours apart and I do know that a bare bottom spanking would be out of the question right now, however; I will be seeing him in about two weeks and I don't know what his mind could think up in that length of time. And so, the smarts in my head took over and I began reading.  As I started reading, I don't think I thought he would still go through with making me read them all, and about the second page of reading, it struck me that he was a man of his word, and I would be reading EVERY LINE I WROTE!!!!  And with that, I began feeling humiliation. Humiliation of what I had done, humiliation for having to read the lines (over and over and over), humiliation of being punished, and I could feel the tears begin to start, again.  Then, I began HEARING what I was reading.  His first thought when choosing for me to write this particular "line" was my accountability to God, then those that my life effects, and then my job.  And there was that broken heartedness again.  He did ask if I was crying...I told him I was, and he simply said, "Continue...." and continue I did, reading every last line that I had written.  When it was over, true to his word, he wanted to know how the whole experience today had made me feel.  Then, one of the greatest feelings I have felt in a while, happened when he said, "now, this is forgiven, it is over and done with." Wow, that's it... that no more guilt thing you ladies have mentioned, I GOT IT!!!  Then, (I think this man must have a memory like an elephant) he said, "I do want to address one other thing.  I feel that when I asked you to read your lines, you were very disrespectful, and that will not be tolerated. This was our first time to handle a situation with CDD and with that said, I don't expect it to happen again!" and I can say right now, that it won't happen again!! 

I have had so many questions answered through this one experience.  I have had so many realizations come to mind.  I have had confusion straightened out, and I have had so many emotions today, that I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.  I have had my first CDD experience and I survived..... :)   not only that, I finally understand why so many of you have chosen this life.  I can also tell you that I have understood today that my independence is still my independence.  It is the fact that if I exercise that independence in a way that could affect God's ministry or our lives, then it will be handled through my submission to him....  and I am very proud to be able to say that!!

So, that was it, my very first experience with CDD.  As an introduction to my blog and to get you "caught up" on our journey, I will be spending the first few posts in those first years and some of the feelings, experiences, and realizations I had.  And that, is How It All Began!