Our Maintenance Plan

As I mentioned in the previous post, I am sharing our maintenance schedule today.

We searched many blogs and articles, and decided to use the framework from Jennifer at https://ddjennifer.wordpress.com. Their maintenance agreement was one that we felt we could redesign to be our own.

We both read through the original and made and compared notes, then had discussions.  This is our version of Maintenance:

Maintenance spankings, as discussed below, will be 15 + swats with the hand on the bare bottom. Sir has complete choice of how many.


Maintenance Session are weekly meetings where we come together to discuss how well i have been obedient to Sir.  During this time,  i will receive Maintenance at the beginning, after confession/discussion and at the end of the Session. The Maintenance Session will follow this order.


1. Sir will inform me that it is time for maintenance.

2. Upon entering the room i will get the anal plugs and lubricant, and disrobe without instruction and will remain nude throughout the Session. If Sir is not in the room with me, I am to sit quietly and reflect on the week, praying, and preparing my heart and mind for the coming session. If Sir is already in the room, i am to assume position to be spanked without being told, unless Sir wishes a specific position for me.

3. As soon as He is ready, Sir will administer the first Maintenance spanking. The purpose of starting the meeting with a spanking is to remind me that while the Maintenance Session allows me to ask questions of Sir, i must maintain respect in my tone and attitude.   It also helps to reaffirm our roles and remind me that although i desire maintenance, Sir is in control.


4. i will express my thankfulness for Sir taking the responsibility to lead me and to encourage me to be a better person, and to remind Him i want and need a Dd lifestyle. i will also recommit to obeying Sir as a submissive, tih wife who follows His lead and is punished in a manner He sees fit.

Sir may respond by recommitting to being my Master/HOH/leader/disciplinarian and diligently holding me accountable to the  rules found in our contract.

4. Sir will instruct me to kneel down in front of Him and review my DDiary for any confessions for which i have not received punishment. We will then discuss these confessions, any concerns, clarifications, or topics chosen by either us.


5. Sir will administer any punishments necessary, regarding confessions.  If no such punishments are needed, He will administer another Maintenance spanking to prepare my thoughts for self-reflection.


6. Sir will give me some self-reflection time where I am to first of all, pray, committing myself to God and to being a helpmeet to Sir, seeking how to best help Him be who God wants Him to be.  i am then to bring myself to a place of sexual excitement and a state of submission to Sir, mentally.  If i need help, i may ask to read blogs that would help attain this goal.


7. Sir will return to the room after a period of time of His choosing, usually 15-30 minutes. Upon Sir's return, i will kneel in front of Him,   presenting myself to Him, as a rule and a sign of giving myself to Him, accepting of being Sir's in every way.  At this point, i will verbalize that I am Sir's wife, friend, lover, tih, toy, pet, and slave to be used to meet the desires and needs of Sir.

8. After this affirmation, a final maintenance will be given and Sir will freely use me at His choosing.

Back On Track

Wow!  I have been away for some time.  Since my last post, I have had a major medical problem, and after a year and a half, I feel about 75% back to the old me.

Our family has also gone through many changes, with moving to another town and house, deaths, family moving in, kids and family moving out, graduations, renovations, and in general, life.

Gud and I have gotten to a place that we both feel like it is time to put all of the stress and changes behind us.  And speaking of"behinds," look ahead at keeping mine a pretty shade of Rosey cheek red.

In previous posts, you will see that I send a DDiary to Gud.  This has continued through the past couple of years, with a few months here and there on hiatus.  Since my illness, we have discussed and tried to get back to our DD lifestyle a few times.  Last year, he  had me come up with a list of things I would like to work on, and a list of consequences, considering my pain tolerance was pretty much destroyed. We agreed on the list and tried a restart. That lasted for a couple of months, but sort of fell by the wayside.

Forward to this year.  As I have continued to send Ddiaries, sometimes, I would forget.  A couple of weeks ago, I sent my diary and realized it had been two weeks, which according to our schedule, that could have been 5 Ddiaries I had missed.  I had the urge to tell him.  We really had not been practicing ttwd, but I still felt I needed to come clean.

One afternoon, a few days later, we found ourselves in a rare occasion of being alone, and Gud told me he wanted to "play.". As we were settling into a "good girl" spanking, I remembered the ddiary incident.  I was in position for a spanking and blurted out that he may "owe me a real spanking." He asked why, and I told him.  His comment, "Well that changes things." He told me I was going to be punished.  I was given a punishment spanking, and afterwards, everything just felt like it was back in balance, and he also felt it was a good thing.

Since then, we have read and discussed many blogs.  The discussion has been awesome.  We decided, for the first time in our five year Dd marriage, we needed to review and form a contract, of sorts.  Our first order of business was a maintenance scedule.  We found one that looked like it would work best for our situation and personalities than others, and have started weekly date nights, in which have conversed and come up with our own maintenance plan.

We have agreed that we would do maintenance once a week.  Yesterday was our first chance to actually carry on with the plan.  There were some bumps along the way, but all in all, it went well.  Gud did a great job of reminding me that I am his, that he is still my HOH, disciplinarian, and leader.  We are very hopeful that from here on out, we have found the beginning of our new norm.

In my next post, I will share our maintenance plan and more about our first session.

See y'all back here, soon.

DDiary: A Gud DD Tool!

A helpful tool we use in DD is a DDiary.  We do it a little differently than having a journal or diary written on paper.  We use email.  GudOne and I both have private emails separate from our "everyday" emails.  We use these specifically for DD and private conversations we have.  

The DDiary has many uses:

1. It keeps your HoH informed

It is basically a journal for me to keep Gud apprised of what I have accomplished throughout the day and any situations that might have gone on during the day.  He likes to have time to think about situations with me or with the children before he comes home and has to deal with it right away.  This way, he can think things through and have time to "calm down" if it is something that needs to be dealt with.  

2. Keeps focus on chores that need to be done

I send a diary entry, usually mid-morning, as I get chores accomplished.  This helps me stay focused to get things done and helps hold me accountable.  I sometimes also include other information, like taking my meds, finishing errands, other little things he may ask me to do, like submission exercises, etc.

3. It is a means of encouragement

When I send my entry, it helps me see how much I have accomplished.  Gud also likes to praise me for doing such a gud job!!  

4.  It gives us an opportunity to flirt and be intimate

We also the diary for those little flirty moments.  With a preteen and two teens in the house, it is hard to have those private conversations.  This is a way we can do that.  It is very exciting to have this private life and way of teasing through the day.  

5.  A way to communicate thoughts and opinions

Gud often sends me articles or blogs about DD and will ask me what I think about it.  It is a way for me to express my thoughts without reservation.  

For the most part, the diary is good for us.  The only drawback is when I get really busy with the daily activities and do not have enough time to write.  It can also make me a little more nervous if it has been a stressful day, or if I have had to tell him about something I have done that may be deemed, by him, as punishable.  Usually, I agree with those instances, but at times, if you have read my previous blogs, you can see where I justify why I may not deserve the punishment or I will stress myself over not knowing the outcome of a situation.

Over all, I think the DDiary is a good tool to have in any DD relationship.

Protected and Cherished

Do you feel protected by your HoH?  Since being in this relationship, I have felt more cherished, loved and protected, than I have ever felt in my life.  That was reaffirmed yesterday, more than ever.  My father has been sick, and in the midst of all of this, I found out we were being taken advantage of, by my brother.

My brother has a habit of being quite violent with his words and with his actions, and I have often been the recipient of his tirade.  In my past marriages, my husbands would not really deal with my brother when he was angry with me.  I have been cursed, yelled at, threatened, and even had a jar of pickles thrown on me, all with whichever husband I happened to be married to at the time, sitting right next to me, with never a word spoken in my defense.  Every time, the anger has been over my calling him on his horrible behavior.  As long as my brother has been born, he has found ways to let me know that he hates me.... many times by just saying, "I hate you, I wish you weren't alive."  I love my brother, no matter how he feels about me or how poor his behavior.  He has always taken advantage of that love and of my generosity.  He refuses to work and as a direct quote from him, "because nobody is going to tell me what to do!"  He is an alcoholic, he is abusive, he will steal, he cheats, and "has a heart of gold" for anyone other than his family!

When I took action to assure he could no longer take advantage of this particular situation, let's just say, he was ready to fight, literally, and kept calling to talk to me.  My wonderful, amazing husband, that GudOne, would not allow it.  He protected me from the outrage, from the "cussing," and really tried hard to keep me from stressing.  I would like to say that it is just part of a good marriage, but I think it goes deeper than that.  This is a man who really leads his family, a man who is in control, and a man who does everything in his power to protect what is his.  I AM HIS!  I love that!  I have never known what it was to feel protected by a man.  I have never known love this deep.  I have never felt that I was precious to my husband, until I became Gud's wife.

Is that because of the DD?  Is it because he is a wonderful, godly husband and leader?  Is it because I am his?  I think, perhaps, it is a little of all of these, but most of all, I think it is because I belong to the GudOne, and I am thanking God for making him the man he is!

How I found the Gud Wife

This post is by GudOne. I have been asked many times how I found someone to marry who was interested in CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline). So I thought I'd share what I did.

In general:

Pray for wisdom and discernment to know God's will for you in this area of life, to find the perfect spouse for you, in a reasonable timeframe.

You need to write a description of your perfect spouse (including things/traits which are non-negotiables, nice-to-haves, will-tolerate, never-will-tolerate), so when you find someone who might be a candidate, you can compare that person to your description (before emotions get involved) see if those qualifications are met.


You also need to write a description of what you are looking for and what you dont want, so you can out it in the online description on the dating sites without being so specific that anyone can pretend to be those things.

You also needs to describe yourself in such a way to let people know you love God and put him first, will be celibate until marriage, and desire to follow God. Men need to indicate that as the Head of the House, you desire lead the godly woman God puts into your life, while women should indicate that as the Lady of the House, you desire to follow the godly man God puts into your life.

Now to the specifics for my situation:

I am a conservative Christian man whose wife divorced him. I ended up with the children and i felt they (and i) needed a feminine touch. But I wanted a woman who loved God in words and deed, who would be passionate, compassionate, loving, fun, smart, dicerning, patient, forgiving, gracious, merciful, spirited, kind, wanted to run her home but have her husband ultimately be in charge. So I prayed and went looking for a woman like that: I went to a Christian singles website and put what I was looking for in my description. Some women were offended, I think. But some were curious. Others verbally gave me what they thought I wanted, but when we actually started talking, could not actually meet the qualifications or could not allow themselves to be submissive. Some were naturally submissive.

I had a list of questions which I asked – trying to determine if this woman had the characteristics I was looking for.

If someone was interested, we wrote online to each other. Some of those progressed to phone conversations. With one woman, it progressed further than that. I ended up marrying her – after I had dominated her verbally and had spanked her.

I tried a number of online sites. Many are filled with fakes trying to get you to send them money or trying to have sex with you. Many of the people on those sites are Christian in name only. Many of the people who DO have faith are baby Christians. For me, I considered it an interview process. I was not looking to have fun. I was not looking for a buddy. I was looking for a woman friend with whom I could fall in love and marry, although I was NOT looking to fall in love at that time. So I wrote a detailed description of me and the woman I was looking for (including the facts that I didnt want ppl who are liars or addicts or unhealthy or high maintenance (all traits of my ex), and when I began to converse with a woman, I asked questions that are pertinent to me and as we conversed more, the questions would become more personal. These conversations had purpose and were not aimless, though i didnt always talk abt my questions below, as I wanted to get to know them and would try to get them to talk about thier own experiences. But converation would help weed out addicts, liars, lazy people, etc. I also tried weed out unhealthy/unstable people. I also suggest you set a limit on the distance you are willing to travel to meet and/or to have a long distance relationship, as well as decide ahead of time of whether you are willing to move and if so, how far.

The Christian sites I liked were:
http://www.christianmingle.com/ (not cheap, but a great community, some real Christians on there, great group chats, and they have meet n greets accross the country – but not where I met my lady).
http://www.christianlifestyle.com/ (met my lady here)

I created a separate email address on yahoo.com to be able to register with these sites and get email from them and the people I considered for dating, I thought it safer.

How I described me:
I was saved DD MON YYYY. The Bible is the manual for life. I teach my 4 kids (and I gave age and gender) a Bible study each morning before school. We hang out in the evenings after dinner - well, when they've returned from hanging out with their various friends. I teach and preach in English and Spanish, as called by God. I have been an associate pastor and a missionary. My paying job is as a XXXX.


This is what I said I was looking for:
“I wouldn’t mind finding a friend who might become something more when I am ready. I am looking for a woman who loves God, my kids, and me. She will be honest and not an addict, and will be used by God to help me grow to become more Christ-like. She will be honest, trustworthy, caring, loving, moral. I don’t want a door mat. Passiveness is not what I want. She should be a strong woman with a mind of her own, able to run the home. I need a woman who will help me become more like Christ – sharing her thoughts and opinions and feelings, someone with whom we can submit one to another (where God leads us through the other sometimes), but who ultimately will trust God enough to submit to me if I feel the need to exercise my position as head of house.”

These are the sorts of things I would ask people (some would be in email conversations, chat/skype conversations, or on phone if we got that far):

Where will you go when you die, and why?
What does Jesus Christ mean to you?
What should be the purpose of a Christian’s life?
How often do you go to church? why?
How do you minister?
Who should lead Bible studies in the home? What’s been your experience in this
area?
Who should teach/preach in church? What’s been your experience in this area?
What movies (specific titles and genre) do you enjoy and why?
What television shows (specific titles and genre) do you enjoy?
What music do you listen to? Why? (personally, if it was anything other than praise n worship, contemporary Christian, gospel, then I would doubt we’d be compatible as I want to be focused on GOD where I can)
What is your idea of a fun time in a marriage?
Are you politically conservative or liberal, why?
Should Christians be involved in politics, why?
Have you been married before? If so, what happened? If you got divorced, who
started the divorce proceedings and why? If not, why not (at my age, there’s got
to be a reason they are not married)?
Do you have children – if so, do they live at home, how old are they?
Do you want more children?
I have X number of children living at home, how do you feel about that?
What experience do you have with children?
What is your idea of a fun date?
What are the three most important things in your life?
What does God mean to you?
What is your idea of a relaxing time?
Describe your perfect husband?
Describe the husband’s role in marriage?
Describe the wife’s role in marriage?
How should a disagreement be handled in a marriage?
When was the last time you lied? Why? To whom? (note, this would usually trip up people, but for me, there is only one good answer – almost everyone lies, but if you lie to someone then you will lie to me, so I’m not interested).
Do you believe in sharing your thoughts and feelings with your spouse?
How much do you like to communicate in a relationship?
How do you handle sad things happening? Please describe a real example…
How do you handle scary things happening? Please describe a real example…
How do you handle frustrating things happening? Please describe a real
example…
How do you handle maddening things happening? Please describe a real example…
How do you feel about teasing people? How far is too far?
How do you feel about physical violence?
How do you feel about sex (this is important to me, so if we got to know each
other better, we would discuss it in detail)?

Notice, little of these things had anything to do with DD. THAT conversation came AFTER I knew what sort of person she was and whether she was interested in being submissive in marriage. 

At that point, I asked her whether she had ever heard of CDD, and described it and then asked her to read about it from the yahoo news group Christian Domestic Discipline. She read and then we discussed. I would ask her to write me her thoughts and feelings concerning various posts or points of discussion. We lived a few hours apart and were not able to meet much. But I began exerting control in her life. Over time, I would have her do things to show she was compliant and that would take some courage for her to too. Also, I had her write lines as punishment. I would often have her write me emails or essays about things that are important to me and/or to her. Eventually, we met and I spanked her - twice. You can read of her versions of those events if you want:

How it all began.
One Gud Spanking: The First!
Another Gud Spanking: In the Same Meeting!


I hope that helps someone....
GudOne

Gud One's Decision

Because of the stress for both myself and Gud, as of late, he announced last night that we were going to take a break from DD.  I panicked.  I felt as though the world as I knew it was falling apart.  Our whole relationship has included DD, even though we may not have always been overly active, I knew the threat of a spanking was there.  I felt like, without it, I standing at the end of a cliff and and had no where to go, but down.  DD makes me feel secure in so many ways.  One of those ways is knowing that I belong to him, knowing that he will be dominant and give me rules and orders, and knowing that I am valued and loved.  I have never had that in any other relationship, and I don't want to lose it in this one...and in that moment, I could see it all slipping away.  In reality, because of our love for each other and most importantly, our relationship and love for God, our marriage would not have collapsed over this, but it sure would be like starting over from the beginning, like starting a whole new relationship, because this is all I have known in this marriage.  

During moments that I could gain my composure enough to listen and talk, he explained to me that he could not see continuing to do something that caused stress in our lives.  He also pointed out that, from his perspective, I am trying to top from the bottom.  I only want spankings when I want them and don't want them if I don't agree with them.  He shared with me that he feels I am trying to control when I should be disciplined.  He also has pointed out that intent really doesn't matter. After talking, my intent may determine whether I get a punishment, It may matter to the severity of the punishment, or it may not matter at all.  The point is, it is his decision to make, not mine. 

Gud came to the conclusion that if he was forcing me to be spanked when I didn't really want it, he was willing to give DD up, rather than force something I don't want.  He felt that I was wanting to "play" at this and not have it for the "real life."  He wanted to make sure that I didn't feel that he was manipulating me into doing DD his way.  There was no manipulation.  He was very clear that he is an "all or nothing" kind of guy, and I couldn't have this life only when I felt like I deserved it. After rationalizing to myself that I didn't deserve the spanking, I started to question his decision process, lowering my trust in his judgement of whether or not to spank me, and it put a lot of stress on both of us.  I began to feel like every area that was pointed out to me, was an opportunity for him to choose to spank me.  Because of this, he felt the best choice for us would be to take a break from DD for a little while, and address it later.  When I asked what that would look like, he explained that he was willing to let me ask for a spanking (no matter what kind it was, erotic included).  He was planning on being dominant with no ability to punish. He didn't want to take a chance on making the situation worse for our relationship.  I couldn't see this description of letting me ask, as him being dominant in any way.   We talked until we had calmed and fell asleep, and then again this morning.  My strong reaction (and that is putting it lightly) was one of the things that caused him to reconsider.  The other was that I was willing to work through this issue.  To have this lifestyle, I have to trust him completely.  I have to give him the authority to make the call.  I can explain my opinion and how I feel, but in the end (no pun intended :)) it is his decision on how to handle each situation.    

He did ask me if I was willing to do that.  He asked me why I felt I NEEDED DD and why I desired DD.  After realizing that it would mean giving up the security of the DD lifestyle all together, I decided I could work out my struggles and accept his decisions for punishment, whether I agree or not. I want to be the "total submissive" I have bragged about.  I don't want these feelings of "I don't deserve this, and I don't want it."  I want to give him the WHOLE gift of submission, not a broken gift.  

When I look at the big picture, he has never been mean to me, he is not selfish, he is very loving, he cares about me with everything in him.  He loves God and loves our family.  He is not given to fits of rage. He is level headed and likes to think through his decisions before implementing them.  I have to trust that he will do that in this one area I struggle with.  He did reconsider the DD lifestyle (he likes being an HoH, when I am not crazy nuts and freaking out) and agreed that we would continue.

To get things back to a balanced place, this morning, Gud was very helpful and HoHy to point this out and solidify it in a way any gud TiH can understand.  I was given a good, firm spanking, not severe, but firm.  I was reminded that I belong to him, that he is the one in control, that he is the one who makes the decisions about what is punishable and what is not. 

My opinion is valued and will be heard, I will accept his decision and will be thankful for it.  Today, I am more thankful for it than I was yesterday.  Funny thing, how almost losing something so precious can give you a new perspective and appreciation!  

Totally Submissive...Almost

Preface: This post was approved by and suggestions made by GudOne, my HoH.  This is meant in no way to "bash" him.  He is the most wonderful, loving man I know. He is an awesome leader and HoH.  This blog is about the feelings I am dealing with in this one area of struggle.  Gud, I love you more and more every day and thank God for sending you to me and giving me to you!

I have like to brag that I am "totally submissive" to my Husband/HoH.  I love being submissive.  To my friends, I go to the extreme in submission, and they have NO idea we practice a DD lifestyle... they have no idea of the "extreme."  I gave the gift of my submission to my husband.  I am submissive in my chores, in everyday life, in the bedroom, in every way.... except one.. and while I don't reject his right to dominate in that area, I do have a problem with it.

So, I come to you, my DD blog land friends.  I want to know, do others in the submissive role struggle with this?

Here it is.  I don't have a problem with my husband spanking me.  He spanks for punishment, for reminders, for good girl spankings, for stress relief (mine and his) and I am perfectly fine with that.  I actually like the dominance, it is a turn on.  I like all of these spankings, except the punishment.  My problem comes in when I am being punished for something that I don't think warrants a spanking.  In our DD lifestyle, my goal is to be the best, godly woman I can be, and when I make a choice not to be, a choice to break one of the "4 D" rules (or any variant thereof), I am punished.  I don't like to be punished.  My goal is to NOT make choices that lead to me being punished.  Gud has even commented that I don't need punishment to be a godly woman. It is a natural choice I make through maturity and Spirit within me.  That's good, right?  Wrong... because no matter how hard I try, I still end up failing and being punished, though, not by choice.

Now, I must say, I don't get punishment spankings that often.  In the few years we have been practicing, I have only had five "punishment" spankings.  The first one was to "break the ice" so to speak.  The second one was not as severe as it probably should have been, though at the time I felt it was.  The third and fourth were during our "refocus" time and were after my admitting that during our "down time" from DD, I had some behavior that was not acceptable.  And then, there was the last one. You can read about that one here.  Something inside me happened during that last one.  I had decided I didn't need it.  I didn't want it.  I did not feel I had done a deed appropriate to a punishment spanking. I never told him I felt this way.  He didn't ask.  We had a conversation earlier in the day and I was agreeable.  As the day went on, my mind and heart changed.  Being spanked without me feeling like I deserved it has left some unsettled feelings inside of me and I have reacted in a way that is not typical for me.  Everything that is pointed out as an area I need to work on, makes me cry.  Everything I am questioned about, makes me cry.  I am beginning to drive myself crazy obsessing about every little detail in the house, and I cry.  I want to give an example of something that happened yesterday.

Yesterday morning, he pointed out that he noticed a “flaky” feeling on the tub.  I clean the bathroom every day, but evidently the soap scum builds up and the cleaner and cleaning rag I use does not remove it and it needs to be scrubbed more. The way he brought it up, made me feel like he was scolding me for not doing my chore.  I felt like a child scolded, which is one of the very things we are trying to avoid in ttwd.  I had told him that I cleaned it daily and would look at it.  I turned around and saw our bed and thought, “Oh, I can get the bed straightened.” So I went to straighten the bed.  Evidently, he wasn’t finished talking.  I didn’t realize that.  He then questioned me about disrespect and walking away from him when he was talking, and compared me to one of our children.  In my mind, that solidified that in that moment, he saw me as one of his children.  I didn’t mean any disrespect, at all.  I know that walking away from a serious conversation when he isn’t finished would be disrespectful and would mean punishment, so I would not choose to do that. Even after my explanation, he struggled with whether or not to punish me for walking away, and this is where my dilemma comes in.  I did not, of ill will, walk away from him in a disrespectful choice.  It was a misunderstanding, and yet, I was not secure in the wisdom of the choice he may make at that time.  It bothered me.  I cried.  I cried all day, and into the night.

I told him in the past that I needed him to be more consistent.  He struggles with what consistency looks like.  Was it inconsistent in him not to punish me for disrespect when I was not doing it out of disrespect?  I don’t think so.  I think it was recognizing that some mistakes are going to be made, some of them unintentionally, and not every mistake is punishable by death… or spanking in this case. I feel like, because I asked for more consistency, he is over the top, looking for a reason to spank me.  

We hit a wall yesterday.  I sent him an email, that I had intended to become a post, and some of it is included in this, but I get his approval before posting, and it led to quite the discussion: Should we continue DD?  His point and thoughts in not continuing is:  If I give him my submission, then I give him complete submission. If I pick and choose when I am punished, then there is no reason to do DD, because I am ultimately, in control.  He responded with this, 

"It seems to me ttwd is all about how you feel abt anything i choose. Not abt what I choose. Yes, i hear you say that you will not refuse me the right to punish you when or how i see fit - and i suppose i should be grateful for that. In a way, I am.  I trying to understand: I either have consent or i dont. If i do, then why get upset?  If I dont, then we should stop."

He also had this to say,

" We dont mind play acting master/slave in bed and I dont mind even adjusting ttwd so it is only DD when you approve - but I see that as a game and not a lifestyle. And i see it as no different than me asking if its ok for me to give you the spanking you have asked for now."

 I don't want to stop.  We had another discussion this morning about what we really want.  I had to admit, I have some hangups in this area.  I have known that I trust him with everything in me, until our discussion this morning.  When we talked about this, he said, "you are just going to have to trust me."  In that moment, I had to say, "I can't."  I can't trust that he is not going to choose to punish me for something I don't feel I have done wrong.  I KNOW he has the right to choose when and if I am punished, but I struggle with this. 

This is an excerpt from the original email yesterday: 

"For the most part, I love being in a DD relationship.  It helps me to feel secure and loved.  Up until lately, I have felt that being in a submissive relationship offers me freedom. It is something I crave and desire. It is sexually erotic.  It brings my husband and me closer together on so many levels.  But today….  today, I am feeling confused and sad and like there is no light at the end of the tunnel because the chores grow, the house work grows, the mistakes are more, the stress is back.... TTWD can be a confusing life we live... "

Does anyone else struggle with this?  How have you dealt with this and worked it out in your mind and in your heart?  I have prayed about this over and over, to the point that I don't know if I have become blind to the reality that this is acceptable or if I truly feel this is wrong.