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Thursday, December 5, 2013

Justification Can Mess You Up!!

Gud and I are participating in Kenzie's Spanko Advent Calendar.  It isn't too late to begin if you haven't started!!

We have enjoyed following along with the calendar but have fallen a bit "behind," I am sad to say.  We started on Day 2 and actually "caught up" the very first night. 

DD has helped me in so many ways, and I will be discussing that in an upcoming blog.  One of those is that I tend to allow our house to get "out of order."  I then stress out when it is time to clean it all up.  I have recently gotten things in very good shape and I asked Gud to "help" me keep it up.  He very much enjoys a clean house and readily agreed.  We decided that I would do daily chores to keep up the work I have already accomplished, and if those chores are not finished daily, a punishment or reminder is in order, whichever he sees appropriate to give.  

Each day, I send diary entries to Gud to let him know the progress of getting things done, and at night, he goes over the list and asks if I have anything I need to confess for the day.  I end up telling him in my diary anyway, but me being more open and swallowing my pride to verbally confess helps me feel more submissive.  On Monday night, we went over the list and one of the things he asks is, has all of the laundry been folded and put away.  Other than a set of sheets I had planned to put on the bed, I answered "yes." 

On Tuesday morning, I picked up that set of sheets and under them was a small pile of laundry that I, evidently, had not put away.  My very first thought was, "Oops, I need to get those put away."  My next thought was, "I really need to let Gud know I left these out."  Now, this is where most people would say, "WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU DO THAT?" Well, ttwd is to help me keep up with the housework and chores.  I asked him to help me with this, and if he isn't aware of problems or things I let slip up, he can't help me.  So, in my next diary entry, I sent him a picture of the little pile of laundry and told him they had been left undone.  

We recently had a "refocus" week and he agreed to be more consistent.  He sent a response to my entry to let me know we would "deal with it" that evening.  I thanked him and knew he would be true to his word.  I also thanked him for being consistent and being a great HoH.  

Being a woman, a hormonal woman, something happened that afternoon.  I remembered WHY the laundry was there.  I found it in the dryer while in the middle of cooking for Thanksgiving.  I didn't want to forget it again, so I put it in a small basket and took it to our room to put away when I could.  I cooked until  late and we were leaving early the next morning (Thanksgiving) to go to my family's.  When we got home on Thanksgiving evening, I discovered one of our dogs had left a big "wet" spot on my side of the bed.  I went for sheets to find we had none cleaned. Our dryer is not heating and sheets are done in the mornings to dry for the day, as I need them.  So, I put a flat sheet on the bed.  Friday and Saturday Gud and I spent the days taking care of errands while we had the opportunity to go alone.  Each evening, we got home and I started dinner and evening chores until bedtime.  Sunday was church and then more cooking.  Monday was spent doing errands in the morning, guest leaving mid-day, and then the next few hours catching up on daily chores until time to cook dinner.  That evening I relaxed and chatted with my DD friends. On Tuesday, there they lay, so I began justifying why they were not put away and I think I talked myself out of "deserving" a punishment.  I have tried so hard to be good and it has been a month since I have been punished.  I debated whether or not to share this "information" with Gud.  I then rationalized that I COULD have put the things away on Monday, but I didn't want to do that.  I was tired and exhausted and I needed time for me!  (See how this works in my head??  Does anybody else do this?)

Another thing compounded the situation that afternoon.  I LOVE the holidays.  I enjoy entertaining and having folks over and decorating, and just being festive and happy and sharing with others.  Since moving to a new place, that hasn't happened.  I began missing my old friends and became homesick and depressed with the thought of not having those fun holiday celebrations.

I have this really bad habit of planning things out in my head and figuring out the best way that things can play out.  The problem with this is, very seldom do things ever go the way I "planned."  So, my thoughts:  "It has been over 12 hours since finding the laundry.  After the kids go to bed, I will ask to get my shower.  I would like to have some time to think about this and get in the proper mood for this punishment.  He usually doesn't have me do corner time or alone time before, but I will ask for that tonight. When we talk before the punishment, I will explain how they came to be left, but I will admit that they could have been done on Monday, and that I should have gotten that done."

How it really played out:  I asked to get my shower and asked, "Would you like for me to get in my bed clothes and come to bed as usual, after my shower, or would you rather I go to the closet and wait for you? " [NOTE:  In a note of explanation, "the closet" will be mentioned in my blogs often (I am sure of it!).  We have teens in our home..three of them, and we need a quiet, private place to have our spanking sessions, whether they be good girl spankings, reminders, maintenance, erotic spankings, or punishment (that might be heard), so we use our closet, which is behind three closed doors and downstairs after they go to bed.] The response was that I would come back to the bedroom because we needed more time to assure the kids were asleep.  After my shower, we chatted for a while and he told me to go to the closet and pray and think about what I had done and ask forgiveness.  While in the closet, I got out the box of implements, undressed, and prayed.  While praying, I thanked God for the HoH I have and I prayed for forgiveness for..... well, hmmm, what am I actually asking forgiveness for?  I couldn't finish the statement, at first.  I justified that I could have put the laundry away on Monday, and that is why I was being punished.  I forgot, so I prayed for God to help me with my forgetfulness (even though I was very busy!!) and I kept praying and feeling more and more solemn and down... 

And then Gud came in.  He told me he loved me, he told me that I needed to remember to put things away, and he told me this was a punishment, so there wouldn't be much of a warm up.  I let him know I understood, and then the punishment began.  We are in a closet, so there is no otk, I bend over, with my hands on a wicker hamper.  I can tell you, he is taking pride in "stepping up" on the punishment!  Not having one in a month, it didn't take long to be stinging A LOT!  I cried much easier than usual.  I reached my breaking point much quicker, and I felt crushed, even though the actual punishment was not as severe as it would have been, had this been a serious issue.  Usually, for me, spanking is a release of guilt, an end to the feeling of needing and deserving punishment; it is cathartic.  I cry, I am given loving after care, which includes being  gently held and told I am loved and forgiven, and it is over. Usually the words, "it is over, all is forgiven," is the end of it all and we move on, but not this time, for me, at least.  

I had rationalized with myself that I didn't deserve this spanking, I was depressed over the holiday thing, and it all released during that spanking.  He tried giving aftercare, he hugged, he was gentle and loving, and caring.  I was there, but not emotionally, only in body.  I didn't know how I felt, I didn't know why I was so broken, I felt crushed in spirit.  A few minutes later he asked if I wanted to do the spanko calendar, because I had asked earlier in the day if we could still do it, even though I was being punished, and I didn't want to.  This was a very hard evening for me.  I cried for a couple of hours until I fell asleep.  

Then next morning, Gud felt so bad!!  After our morning prayers, he apologized for the spanking.  I told him that I was not sorry and I was glad he did it.  His comment, "Yeah, ok, like that helps," and he went to get his bath.  I was worried that he wouldn't want to continue doing CDD.  While he was in his bath, we talked.  I explained more of these thoughts I had the night before.  He realized he had not talked to me before the punishment and had no idea my thoughts had changed from that "thank you for being a great HoH" diary entry he had gotten that morning.  After talking to me, he pointed out that I had justified to myself that I didn't need to be spanked, and that was one of the reasons I had such a hard time. He decided that regardless of what he thought, he was going to make sure to discuss the issue before punishment begins in the future, to avoid bad reactions.  I may not always agree with whether or not I need punishment, but we must communicate so we can be on the same page so he knows how to handle my emotions afterward. It is very important for aftercare.  

That day, my bottom was a bit sensitive, but nothing like it could have been.  I had a rough morning with the depression of not having my hometown friends and family near me, but with his encouragement, we decided to plan a Christmas party for our church family.  My day got better and my mood turned around.  I don't regret the spanking.  I am glad he did!  I want to know that he is going to continue to be there for me as I mess up and forget and make excuses, and justify my poor behavior.  

He is the most loving man I know.  Yesterday, he came home from work sick, and we didn't do the advent calendar last night, so we missed two nights in a row!  Well, he has worked from home today and instead of "mistletoe" we have a snowflake.  (I earn a swat for every time I walk through that door and have racked up over 50 swats today!)  We are making up for all three nights, tonight... so, I get to ask if I have been a good girl or naughty, we use a new implement (extra points for a Christmas theme), AND the swats for the snowflake.  This has been a fun, exciting, erotic day, with private notes and texts and flirting and loving.  I can't wait for the kids to be in bed!!  

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