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Thursday, December 26, 2013

How I found the Gud Wife

This post is by GudOne. I have been asked many times how I found someone to marry who was interested in CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline). So I thought I'd share what I did.

In general:

Pray for wisdom and discernment to know God's will for you in this area of life, to find the perfect spouse for you, in a reasonable timeframe.

You need to write a description of your perfect spouse (including things/traits which are non-negotiables, nice-to-haves, will-tolerate, never-will-tolerate), so when you find someone who might be a candidate, you can compare that person to your description (before emotions get involved) see if those qualifications are met.

You also need to write a description of what you are looking for and what you dont want, so you can out it in the online description on the dating sites without being so specific that anyone can pretend to be those things.

You also needs to describe yourself in such a way to let people know you love God and put him first, will be celibate until marriage, and desire to follow God. Men need to indicate that as the Head of the House, you desire lead the godly woman God puts into your life, while women should indicate that as the Lady of the House, you desire to follow the godly man God puts into your life.

Now to the specifics for my situation:

I am a conservative Christian man whose wife divorced him. I ended up with the children and i felt they (and i) needed a feminine touch. But I wanted a woman who loved God in words and deed, who would be passionate, compassionate, loving, fun, smart, dicerning, patient, forgiving, gracious, merciful, spirited, kind, wanted to run her home but have her husband ultimately be in charge. So I prayed and went looking for a woman like that: I went to a Christian singles website and put what I was looking for in my description. Some women were offended, I think. But some were curious. Others verbally gave me what they thought I wanted, but when we actually started talking, could not actually meet the qualifications or could not allow themselves to be submissive. Some were naturally submissive.

I had a list of questions which I asked – trying to determine if this woman had the characteristics I was looking for.

If someone was interested, we wrote online to each other. Some of those progressed to phone conversations. With one woman, it progressed further than that. I ended up marrying her – after I had dominated her verbally and had spanked her.

I tried a number of online sites. Many are filled with fakes trying to get you to send them money or trying to have sex with you. Many of the people on those sites are Christian in name only. Many of the people who DO have faith are baby Christians. For me, I considered it an interview process. I was not looking to have fun. I was not looking for a buddy. I was looking for a woman friend with whom I could fall in love and marry, although I was NOT looking to fall in love at that time. So I wrote a detailed description of me and the woman I was looking for (including the facts that I didnt want ppl who are liars or addicts or unhealthy or high maintenance (all traits of my ex), and when I began to converse with a woman, I asked questions that are pertinent to me and as we conversed more, the questions would become more personal. These conversations had purpose and were not aimless, though i didnt always talk abt my questions below, as I wanted to get to know them and would try to get them to talk about thier own experiences. But converation would help weed out addicts, liars, lazy people, etc. I also tried weed out unhealthy/unstable people. I also suggest you set a limit on the distance you are willing to travel to meet and/or to have a long distance relationship, as well as decide ahead of time of whether you are willing to move and if so, how far.

The Christian sites I liked were: (not cheap, but a great community, some real Christians on there, great group chats, and they have meet n greets accross the country – but not where I met my lady). (met my lady here)

I created a separate email address on to be able to register with these sites and get email from them and the people I considered for dating, I thought it safer.

How I described me:
I was saved DD MON YYYY. The Bible is the manual for life. I teach my 4 kids (and I gave age and gender) a Bible study each morning before school. We hang out in the evenings after dinner - well, when they've returned from hanging out with their various friends. I teach and preach in English and Spanish, as called by God. I have been an associate pastor and a missionary. My paying job is as a XXXX.

This is what I said I was looking for:
“I wouldn’t mind finding a friend who might become something more when I am ready. I am looking for a woman who loves God, my kids, and me. She will be honest and not an addict, and will be used by God to help me grow to become more Christ-like. She will be honest, trustworthy, caring, loving, moral. I don’t want a door mat. Passiveness is not what I want. She should be a strong woman with a mind of her own, able to run the home. I need a woman who will help me become more like Christ – sharing her thoughts and opinions and feelings, someone with whom we can submit one to another (where God leads us through the other sometimes), but who ultimately will trust God enough to submit to me if I feel the need to exercise my position as head of house.”

These are the sorts of things I would ask people (some would be in email conversations, chat/skype conversations, or on phone if we got that far):

Where will you go when you die, and why?
What does Jesus Christ mean to you?
What should be the purpose of a Christian’s life?
How often do you go to church? why?
How do you minister?
Who should lead Bible studies in the home? What’s been your experience in this
Who should teach/preach in church? What’s been your experience in this area?
What movies (specific titles and genre) do you enjoy and why?
What television shows (specific titles and genre) do you enjoy?
What music do you listen to? Why? (personally, if it was anything other than praise n worship, contemporary Christian, gospel, then I would doubt we’d be compatible as I want to be focused on GOD where I can)
What is your idea of a fun time in a marriage?
Are you politically conservative or liberal, why?
Should Christians be involved in politics, why?
Have you been married before? If so, what happened? If you got divorced, who
started the divorce proceedings and why? If not, why not (at my age, there’s got
to be a reason they are not married)?
Do you have children – if so, do they live at home, how old are they?
Do you want more children?
I have X number of children living at home, how do you feel about that?
What experience do you have with children?
What is your idea of a fun date?
What are the three most important things in your life?
What does God mean to you?
What is your idea of a relaxing time?
Describe your perfect husband?
Describe the husband’s role in marriage?
Describe the wife’s role in marriage?
How should a disagreement be handled in a marriage?
When was the last time you lied? Why? To whom? (note, this would usually trip up people, but for me, there is only one good answer – almost everyone lies, but if you lie to someone then you will lie to me, so I’m not interested).
Do you believe in sharing your thoughts and feelings with your spouse?
How much do you like to communicate in a relationship?
How do you handle sad things happening? Please describe a real example…
How do you handle scary things happening? Please describe a real example…
How do you handle frustrating things happening? Please describe a real
How do you handle maddening things happening? Please describe a real example…
How do you feel about teasing people? How far is too far?
How do you feel about physical violence?
How do you feel about sex (this is important to me, so if we got to know each
other better, we would discuss it in detail)?

Notice, little of these things had anything to do with DD. THAT conversation came AFTER I knew what sort of person she was and whether she was interested in being submissive in marriage. 

At that point, I asked her whether she had ever heard of CDD, and described it and then asked her to read about it from the yahoo news group Christian Domestic Discipline. She read and then we discussed. I would ask her to write me her thoughts and feelings concerning various posts or points of discussion. We lived a few hours apart and were not able to meet much. But I began exerting control in her life. Over time, I would have her do things to show she was compliant and that would take some courage for her to too. Also, I had her write lines as punishment. I would often have her write me emails or essays about things that are important to me and/or to her. Eventually, we met and I spanked her - twice. You can read of her versions of those events if you want:

How it all began.
One Gud Spanking: The First!
Another Gud Spanking: In the Same Meeting!

I hope that helps someone....

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