All had been forgiven for the "slip up," and the subject changed at that point, and it was not the subject I wanted to hear... the subject became, "You told me, 'NO' when I asked you to bring the paddles. When you are asked to bring the paddles to me, you do not tell me 'NO', I think that deserves another spanking" I know this is weird, but my first thought was, "He didn't call them MY paddles... so my ownership of these paddles, must be over once they leave school"....and when he could see my reluctance for another spanking, he did the worst thing he could have done, he left the decision to me.... I knew from the beginning what I was going to do, I just wasn't sure how much time to waste in doing it... and then he made the comment that I could keep trying to convince him that I didn't deserve it, but I don't argue for argument's sake, and I pretty much have learned that a debate over this topic is of no use... so I conceded that he was right and I would willingly submit my bottom for another spanking.
I was very relieved when he told me that we could go to the bedroom, and I could lay across the bed, where it would be more comfortable, (and then several thoughts scrolled through my mind like a fox news headline ticker)... my bedroom, (did he say MY bedroom or THE bedroom, why am I noticing all this ownership stuff now??), Oh no, the bedroom could really get me into trouble, what does he mean comfortable, how is a spanking going to be comfortable??, wonder if this one will be worse than the first one, Should I try and say something funny at this point, probably not, this would probably be a good time to keep your mouth shut... please don't ask me to pull my pants down, I dont want the wood on the paddle to pull the lace on my new panties, and I think it would REALLY BE painful since the one through my clothes hurt as bad as it did,
and as I lay down on the bed, I wasn't sure what to expect.....
I found out pretty quick that this spanking was NOTHING like the first one, even with his hand, the whole mood was different. The sting of the ping pong paddle was more than I wanted. It did not take long until he asked if I was crying. And I actually had to give it some thought and I knew it had to be quick.... My first thought was, "hmm, if I say, 'yes', he will stop and that will be it, but then he will see that I am lying and it will start all over again, and a spanking for lying, to get him to stop, would be even worse than this, (because the very first rule he gave me was that dishonesty would NOT be tolerated,) so just be honest," and then I heard his voice again, "Are you crying?" and all I could say was, 'no...." OUCH, "NO,SIR!!!!" hey, that's the big paddle, "OH MY, that hurts, that hurts really bad, ok, move around a little, maybe the wiggle will help, there's a tear, there's a tear, I am crying now, ask me now, ask me now, what was that safe word, oh no, there wasn't a safe word, and I am not sure a safe word would work for this kind of spanking anyway, OH GOD, please make him stop, MAKE HIM STOP!!! IT HURTS SOOO BAD!! reach back to tell him, no don't do that he'll hit your hand... ok, just be still and calm down and he will stop....BE STILL.... and he stopped.... I could not breathe, I had lost my breath....what is that?? Oh, I think he is rubbing my butt.... it tingles...
I was crying, my bottom hurt so bad, I was really confused at what I was thinking and I was questioning MYSELF... (should I feel angry at him?, because I don't, Should I hate him?, because I don't, Should I feel that this can never happen again??, because I don't...I want to avoid it happening again, but could I live with it if it was a last resort??...) He helped me sit up and hugged me so close and so tight, "why is he shaking??? Is he nervous about this, too??" And when he looked me in the eyes, with his hands on both sides of my face, I KNEW he was going to ask, "what are you feeling?" I don't remember my exact words, but I think they were "confusion, questions"... and as we lay back on the bed and he held me, I felt that security again, that comfort, that closeness... and he said one of the most reassuring things I had heard in a long time, "my next marriage will be cdd.".... but then all of that reassurance quickly went away with his next statement..."I am not sure yours will be...." "What does he mean, did I do something wrong, say something wrong??" and then it dawned on me that he was talking about my comment that I was confused and had questions...I knew I had to explain that those questions were about me, the confusion was about me, not about whether or not this would be a lifestyle I could accept or live with...and in my mind and my heart, at that moment, I knew it was more than that, it was a lifestyle I would cherish, a lifestyle I could whole- heartedly submit to, and a lifestyle I would embrace.... "but I shouldn't 'say that' right now... just be quiet...don't say more than you need to....only answer the questions you are asked"...so that is when I told him that the confusion and questions were about me... not about the situation, and then, I was being kissed again...
I can tell you that I learned a very important lesson from that experience. I wanted to try to share with you, especially those of you also new to DD, that lesson. It is interesting how a grown woman, who has gone through life in a successful career, been through two marriages (Ok, they weren't so successful), and was 40 years old, and never realized that something like DD could make me stop and look back over my life, and actually change something so important.
I want to share, first of all, that after this experience, I was crying, my bottom hurt so bad, I was really confused at what I was thinking and as you saw, I was questioning MYSELF.
A little while after this experience I began thinking about the life I have lived. I am an adult with ADHD, I have some obsessive/compulsive tendencies, I am a spontaneous, "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of woman and I have not had men who had any control over me at all, or even wanted to...not a domestic discipline kind of control. As I was thinking, it hit me, "I have to be self-controlled, everything my HOH has asked of me, since we began this journey a month ago, has been about SELF-CONTROL"...I finally realized, at that moment that for my whole adult life, I had been in control of everything around me (my relationships, my job, my decisions, my step-children, my choices of what I would do, where I would go, what I would wear, EVERYTHING, but the one thing I have had NO CONTROL over, was myself.... I know that sounds really bizarre, but it is so true.. I did not control my thoughts, my health, my feelings, my emotions, even some of my actions, I was not in control of myself, and now, by being submissive to another person and gifting someone else with control of my most personal thoughts and actions, I was learning to gain self-control) and I was confident that it had to be a part of my life."
I can not speak for my HOH, but I think that through this experience we both learned some things. He did share with me that he felt that he should never have to correct me, once we have dealt with a situation and merely spoken about it. I should have enough self-control to not let those situations or offenses happen again, so that I do not have to be disciplined for it.
I can tell you that through that first month of researching and discussion, since my first experience of "writing lines", and this experience, I started to think about things before I did them, or said them. I took time to give thought to my words, my actions, my home, and my health It makes so much difference to know that you are giving to a man, who is giving to God, and I thank God everyday for the chance to learn more about CDD and for this new found comfort (except when sitting!) in my life.