Search This Blog

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

How It All Began



Hi, I am Rose, Gud One's wife.  We began our Christian Domestic Discipline journey a few years ago.  I had just met this man online and after two weeks of talking, and sharing that I needed a "leader" in my home and him wanting to be a "leader" in his home, he asks this question, sort of nonchalantly, "Have you ever heard of CDD? It is also known as Christian Domestic Discipline."  I had not and he asked if I would be willing to read more about this and let him know what I thought....and I did.

We started out reading posts on a Yahoo! group for CDD.  He would send me, through email, a post link and ask, "What do you think about this?"  I saw posts about corner time, about writing lines, and yes, about spanking.  I have to admit the idea of being spanked was very appealing to me... sexually, that is..but for punishment?  I can remember telling him that I just couldn't imagine myself misbehaving so badly that I would need to be punished!  HAHAHA... That lead to discussions on what a "spankable offense" might be in his mind.  Things like disobeying rules, being disrespectful, being selfish, and the list goes on.  I realized that it was more about submissiveness and not "being a bad person."

My first DD experience was not the most exciting experience. We were in a long distance relationship, and no spanking was involved. I will share that post tomorrow.

In the beginning, Gud had me write about my feelings and thoughts and this was after the first experience, over three years ago:

I wanted to take the time to share my first CDD experience.  I want to explain that we have only "discussed" CDD to this point and how it would fit into our future.  I do agree with CDD and the Biblical fact that a wife is to be submissive to her husband, that the husband is given the responsibility from God to be the HOH.  With that said, we have been reading files and posts in a group, to better understand CDD and become very informed. 
Since being an adult, I have had a great need for a man to be the HOH.  I couldn't explain this desire or need that I had, because I was a VERY independent woman and it seemed to be contrary to the person I had become.  However, with the relationships I have been in, the men just have not been dominate men nor did they want to.  So I had the dilemma of how could I be an independent, educated, well-rounded woman, and NEED to be submissive... 
Now that this relationship is underway, and the discussion has been approached, and we have agreed that if/when we do get married and become a family, we will practice CDD.  It is a bit more difficult for us than most couples, because we live a few hours apart, and we do believe in Biblical morals and therefore, a bare bottom spanking is not quite conceivable for us, not being married, at this time.  So I did not expect what happened today, to happen. I have a very rare opportunity to use my job as a ministry, quite often.  Today, it was brought to my attention from a friend,(who is also co-worker and member of my church) in a loving way, that she felt that I had fallen down on my job.  I had let worldly things (computer, problematic relationships, becoming lax about my job) interfere with the job she knew I was capable of.  I had been struggling with this for some time, and had realized it had happened.  Because of some family problems, I began letting those things affect my job.  
I am a very honest person, and quite guilt ridden, so I always end up telling my mishaps and mistakes, even if they are just thoughts.  When I shared with my future HOH today, he made the comment that this is the type of behavior that CDD would be called for.  I told him that I had already thought about that fact.  So, he informed me, without warning, that when I got home today I would be writing 100 times: "God and those I work with deserve the best I can be and when I am at work I will focus on work"... the lines were not short, at all... and I was like... "Yeah, ok, is he kidding??..." and I said, Ok... and quickly got a reply "ok?"  I knew already what he was expecting and my reply changed to "YES, SIR".  He also informed me that because I had been disobedient to God's calling, I was to think about that and prostrate myself, literally, before God and repent before I could start writing my lines.  And then he said I would read my lines to him when he called.  My question to him was, "You want me to read this line 100 times?"  And then I quickly added, "Not questioning, just curious"... at this point, I still don't think it really sunk in that he was COMPLETELY serious, until he said "you will read EACH line to me when I call tonight". It was then that it hit me that HE IS VERY SERIOUS.... and I began thinking, if this is the relationship that God has willed, I am going to honor his authority and HIS authority.  You see, I do believe very strongly that he is a man of God and that in submission, he is completely submissive to God, therefore; I am to be completely submissive to him.  I then started thinking about where I had taken this job, that had once been open to God's will and ministry and how I had disappointed God, I had disappointed those who work around me and those who depend on me, and I had disappointed myself.  As I continued to think about the tasks that lie ahead of me, I became very nervous.  I was nervous because I did know he was very serious.  I was nervous because this was completely new to me. I was nervous because I know he always wants to know how I am feeling about what is happening or in a given situation and I would have to explain all of this, and I was nervous because I was questioning how sure I was about this whole CDD thing...even though I had said, "Yes, I think this is a good and right thing for us."  And then, I had the strangest feeling come over me, something I didn't expect, it was the feeling of "security"....for the first time in my adult life, I felt secure in a relationship.  Secure in the fact that someone expected a repentant behavior from me for something I had done wrong.  Secure in the fact that even though I made a mistake, when this task was over, it would be forgiven and over. Secure in the fact that it did not change the way someone felt about me because I had made that mistake.  I really was shocked that I felt that comfort of security.  I have been reading the posts on (a group) and some have mentioned those things, but I didn't understand it.  And I thought that maybe that had something to do with the fact that as a child, I was in a very strict, disciplined home.  My father ut no slack on anyone.  But that was the most secure I have ever felt in my life, until today.  I don't know if my words are even adequate to describe how I felt.  Those feelings, coupled with the reality that I could have destroyed God's ministry, were enough to get my attention.  
I had 8 hours to wait before I would be able to get home and take care of the task at hand (pun intended).  One thing that I have NOT shared with my future HOH (until he reads this post) is that in school, the worst punishment I could have gotten was "writing lines", I HATED IT, and I don't mean a little...I mean I detested writing lines so much, I would try to get out of it at all costs.... and I can tell you that after a couple of hours of writing today, that feeling hasn't changed at all... 
When I did get home I thought, what is the point of prostrating myself, but, I was told to do that, so I did, alone on my bed.  And it really did not take long at all after I started praying, that I could feel the humbleness of my spirit begin to take over. I have not felt this heart broken in a very long time.  I had a complete renewal before God, a time of repentance and recommitment.  Then it was time to start the arduous event of writing lines.  As I began writing, down to about the 20th line (and on my third page, I might add), the thought occurred to me, he will never know if I don't do all of these, except for the fact that I would end up feeling guilty about NOT doing it and telling him, soooo I continued writing.  And then I remembered that he wanted me to read them to him.  This really did not make any sense to me.  I thought, "I don't think he will actually sit there and listen to me read this 100 times, surely that part of this discipline won't happen, he will back down from that part."  My hand has not done that much writing in a very long time and let’s just say that when you don't use a muscle that much, IT HURTS!!! But, none the less, I finished my lines. 
 I had to wait a while after writing before he called.  When he did call, he asked how I was doing, and let me know that he did care how I felt, and then said, "Are you ready to read?"... I think my comment was, "but you know what it says...." Ok, this is my first CDD experience and obviously I did not have my "gee, you're a bright girl experience" today, or I would not have made that comment...I don't remember the exact words, but I think they were somewhere along the lines of, "so you don't want to read the lines then we can..." and before he could finish that statement with the seriousness back in his voice, I said, "I will read the lines, but it is 11 pages." You see, we do live two hours apart and I do know that a bare bottom spanking would be out of the question right now, however; I will be seeing him in about two weeks and I don't know what his mind could think up in that length of time. And so, the smarts in my head took over and I began reading.  As I started reading, I don't think I thought he would still go through with making me read them all, and about the second page of reading, it struck me that he was a man of his word, and I would be reading EVERY LINE I WROTE!!!!  And with that, I began feeling humiliation. Humiliation of what I had done, humiliation for having to read the lines (over and over and over), humiliation of being punished, and I could feel the tears begin to start, again.  Then, I began HEARING what I was reading.  His first thought when choosing for me to write this particular "line" was my accountability to God, then those that my life effects, and then my job.  And there was that broken heartedness again.  He did ask if I was crying...I told him I was, and he simply said, "Continue...." and continue I did, reading every last line that I had written.  When it was over, true to his word, he wanted to know how the whole experience today had made me feel.  Then, one of the greatest feelings I have felt in a while, happened when he said, "now, this is forgiven, it is over and done with." Wow, that's it... that no more guilt thing you ladies have mentioned, I GOT IT!!!  Then, (I think this man must have a memory like an elephant) he said, "I do want to address one other thing.  I feel that when I asked you to read your lines, you were very disrespectful, and that will not be tolerated. This was our first time to handle a situation with CDD and with that said, I don't expect it to happen again!" and I can say right now, that it won't happen again!! 
I have had so many questions answered through this one experience.  I have had so many realizations come to mind.  I have had confusion straightened out, and I have had so many emotions today, that I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.  I have had my first CDD experience and I survived..... :)   not only that, I finally understand why so many of you have chosen this life.  I can also tell you that I have understood today that my independence is still my independence.  It is the fact that if I exercise that independence in a way that could affect God's ministry or our lives, then it will be handled through my submission to him....  and I am very proud to be able to say that!!
So, that was it, my very first experience with CDD.  As an introduction to my blog and to get you "caught up" on our journey, I will be spending the first few posts in those first years and some of the feelings, experiences, and realizations I had.  And that, is How It All Began!


8 comments:

  1. I am so proud of you, my dear sweet wife.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Sir, for encouraging me to do this.

      Delete
  2. Hi Rose,
    Happy to have you and GudOne as part of our community. Looking forward to learning more about your journey.
    ~Cat

    ReplyDelete
  3. Cat,
    Thank you so much. I am enjoying our chats and getting to know you better.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wonderful Post! Look forward to reading more.
    honey

    ReplyDelete
  5. Honey,
    Thank you for the support! I have the next post scheduled for very early in the morning. I thought it was important to go back and share those first experiences, thoughts, and emotions. I never dreamed I would use those old emails and Journal entries to share with the DD world, someday.

    ReplyDelete
  6. hi I love your blog I am interested in joining the CDD fourm but cant get in
    can you help I have talked to Gudone and I would love to know more as I am talking to my husband about DD at the moment

    ReplyDelete
  7. Jane,
    I am not sure which CDD forum you are speaking about. There is one at ChristianDomesticDiscipline.com, but neither Gud or myself have gotten a reply for permission to use the forums. We are members of an active CDD group, where we learned a lot, and I am a member of a "womens only" CDD group. I would be happy to share both of these with you. The ADDS chat site, which I think is where you talked to Gud, is one of the most helpful for immediate responses. I am including the links to all, plus, feel free to click the "contact me" button at the bottom of the page for private messages to me. I will be happy to help in anyway I can.
    Links:
    ADDS (I know you have used this one) http://adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.com
    Yahoo Group for CDD: http://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/christiandomesticdiscipline/info (You will have to join this one, but this is the one we are members of)
    Cafe Mom (Women only): http://www.cafemom.com/group/50114

    ReplyDelete