This post is about my first spanking in ttwd. After this, Gud gave me an assignment. I was to send him a letter about my thoughts, feelings, emotions during the experience. The letter to him ended up being four emailed pages and well, more detail that I think anyone would want to know. (It just basically confirms the "crazy" inside my head. So, I have condensed it to an overall idea of my feelings before he came to visit the first time, what happened to get me that spanking (that I thought I would never deserve,) and my thought process and emotions through the whole thing.
In writing about this I was overcome with emotion and couldn't work out in my mind, or in my heart, why.
The day before he was to come and visit, for the first time ever, found my nerves to the point I considered taking anxiety medicine to help calm me, but decided I didn't need it, because I had done without it for so long. I stopped the frantic thoughts and realized that first of all, I wasn't 100% sure you would get to come and then I looked around me and I had a MESS.... I started in the kitchen, went to the living room, the bathroom, the bedroom, I was overwhelmed all of a sudden over the things I needed to do. Some of it was things I had been "meaning" to do since being alone, and just haven't taken the time.. my focus became my home....and when my focus was finally doing one job at a time, I stopped wasting time, and started getting some stuff done. It was five total hours of work, trying to get everything finished. I was on the kitchen, my last "job", he sent the text he was leaving and heading my way... it was almost surreal for me, that I was finally going to meet this man for the first time .... and the nervous feelings started coming back again... but I got my kitchen done, and got my shower, and while I was in the shower, I began praying... my prayer was for God to open Gud's eyes to His beauty within me, and not to my own ugliness... because as long as that beauty could be seen, then nothing else would matter. That He continue to calm my fears as He calmed the storm, with peace, and that I would be open to accepting that peace. I thanked him for this friendship He had sent, for the healing I have already gone through, through the process of being able to start to see the person I really am and starting to find myself, and through the honesty, that I feel like for the first time in my adult life, I can share...about how I feel, what I think, how I believe.... not only CAN share, but am encouraged to do so....and I also prayed a very specific prayer that if we were wasting our time, that God would very clearly show us that... I got out of the shower and got dressed, wondering if everything was the way it should be... my hair, my clothes, everything... but I did feel much better about my nerves at this point. When I talked to him on the phone, he said that I sounded nervous, it made me feel good that I could say, "I am not nearly as nervous now, as I was"...that I had had a "calming".. but it made me feel even better to know, inside myself, I had done it without the help of a pill.... this had been the first time I had even considered that I may need one, and I persevered.
When he pulled in the drive, I could feel the rise of nerves again, but no more than I think would be normal. I had so many thoughts in my mind, some were insecurities (my looks, my clothes, my personality, my house, my yard, etc, etc...) and then some reassurances... (hmmm, everything I have been thinking is "my", get over it... calm down, you have prayed about this, what is, is.... it will be ok.... take a deep breath....) and I did... we went into the house and thank, God, he had to go to the restroom... that gave me time to collect those reassurances (a little bit), and take another deep breath...
When he sat down, all of the doubts rushed back at once, but when he said, "come here", and I scooted closer, the warmth of the hug wss exactly what I needed and what I expected.... and in a sigh of contentment, I thought, "Thank you, God, for getting me through this...."
What happened next, was not what I expected... I expected a light, affectionate, "nice to meet you" kiss, but not the one I received. It was a hard, passionate, "I WANT YOU" kiss...I can remember thinking, "our conversations have gone past the "nice to meet you" stage, so you shouldn't be shocked, just enjoy it," and enjoy it I did. I was so much enjoying the moment that I did NOT want it to stop. I had not felt that kind of passion in so long, I could feel myself shaking all over, not from nerves this time...the nerves were gone, it was from the touching, feeling, closeness, the heat of the moment.
Well, evidently, in the heat of the moment, trouble can be lurking! I had this overcoming of "excitement" and something happened that I didn't have permission to happen. I was shocked and didn't expect that to happen. He asked me if it happened, and all I could do was admit that it had, like the shiver going through my body wasn't enough. (I think this was reason enough for that first thought of spanking me.)
When he asked for me to get my paddles, (I was a teacher and had brought them home with me, at his request.) I can remember thinking, "ok, tell me he is joking....", so I laughingly tried to find out... my first thought was, he hasn't been here an hour and he wants the paddles, I don't think so, (knowing all along I would be getting the paddles...in more ways than one)...and with a huge smile on my face I said, "NO".... I don't really remember all of the reasoning or conversation that persued after that, I just remember a few minutes later that I was closing the front door and getting the paddles out of my bag... I do remember specifying that the ping pong paddle would be the best choice.... When I got the paddles and he suggested (ok, ordered) that I bend over his knee on the couch, I was embarrased, confused, and excited, all at the same time. Embarrased because it was a very humbling position, confused because there were so many emotions, that I couldn't even identify, and excited because I was going to be spanked for not having self control and being disobedient. So, I assumed the position...
When it first started, I thought, "Woe that stings pretty badly, and that is just his hand," and then I heard him reach for the paddle, and I could tell it was the ping pong paddle. It had a louder pop and by this time, my butt was starting to tingle, so I could feel the sting of each hit... I started to feel more pain, and while it started out being almost erotic, at that point, I was just thankful when it was over.... the hug and concern shown afterwards were very emotional for me, more so than the spanking, I think. I do remember during that hug and that conversation, he asked what I was feeling... There was NO WAY, words could have even started to describe... I couldn't even wrap my mind around how I was feeling...there were so many emotions...Looking back, I can say there was unbelief and shock (I am not used to a man actually following through on anything he says), security (hmmm, there's that word again), I think my feelings were a little hurt, there was comfort, closeness, bonding, and a thought of "Oh no, what's that?? Could I be sexually aroused, too... still? but that's what got me into this trouble in the first place..." So all I could muster for an answer was, "ALOT"....
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