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Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Totally Submissive...Almost

Preface: This post was approved by and suggestions made by GudOne, my HoH.  This is meant in no way to "bash" him.  He is the most wonderful, loving man I know. He is an awesome leader and HoH.  This blog is about the feelings I am dealing with in this one area of struggle.  Gud, I love you more and more every day and thank God for sending you to me and giving me to you!

I have like to brag that I am "totally submissive" to my Husband/HoH.  I love being submissive.  To my friends, I go to the extreme in submission, and they have NO idea we practice a DD lifestyle... they have no idea of the "extreme."  I gave the gift of my submission to my husband.  I am submissive in my chores, in everyday life, in the bedroom, in every way.... except one.. and while I don't reject his right to dominate in that area, I do have a problem with it.

So, I come to you, my DD blog land friends.  I want to know, do others in the submissive role struggle with this?

Here it is.  I don't have a problem with my husband spanking me.  He spanks for punishment, for reminders, for good girl spankings, for stress relief (mine and his) and I am perfectly fine with that.  I actually like the dominance, it is a turn on.  I like all of these spankings, except the punishment.  My problem comes in when I am being punished for something that I don't think warrants a spanking.  In our DD lifestyle, my goal is to be the best, godly woman I can be, and when I make a choice not to be, a choice to break one of the "4 D" rules (or any variant thereof), I am punished.  I don't like to be punished.  My goal is to NOT make choices that lead to me being punished.  Gud has even commented that I don't need punishment to be a godly woman. It is a natural choice I make through maturity and Spirit within me.  That's good, right?  Wrong... because no matter how hard I try, I still end up failing and being punished, though, not by choice.

Now, I must say, I don't get punishment spankings that often.  In the few years we have been practicing, I have only had five "punishment" spankings.  The first one was to "break the ice" so to speak.  The second one was not as severe as it probably should have been, though at the time I felt it was.  The third and fourth were during our "refocus" time and were after my admitting that during our "down time" from DD, I had some behavior that was not acceptable.  And then, there was the last one. You can read about that one here.  Something inside me happened during that last one.  I had decided I didn't need it.  I didn't want it.  I did not feel I had done a deed appropriate to a punishment spanking. I never told him I felt this way.  He didn't ask.  We had a conversation earlier in the day and I was agreeable.  As the day went on, my mind and heart changed.  Being spanked without me feeling like I deserved it has left some unsettled feelings inside of me and I have reacted in a way that is not typical for me.  Everything that is pointed out as an area I need to work on, makes me cry.  Everything I am questioned about, makes me cry.  I am beginning to drive myself crazy obsessing about every little detail in the house, and I cry.  I want to give an example of something that happened yesterday.

Yesterday morning, he pointed out that he noticed a “flaky” feeling on the tub.  I clean the bathroom every day, but evidently the soap scum builds up and the cleaner and cleaning rag I use does not remove it and it needs to be scrubbed more. The way he brought it up, made me feel like he was scolding me for not doing my chore.  I felt like a child scolded, which is one of the very things we are trying to avoid in ttwd.  I had told him that I cleaned it daily and would look at it.  I turned around and saw our bed and thought, “Oh, I can get the bed straightened.” So I went to straighten the bed.  Evidently, he wasn’t finished talking.  I didn’t realize that.  He then questioned me about disrespect and walking away from him when he was talking, and compared me to one of our children.  In my mind, that solidified that in that moment, he saw me as one of his children.  I didn’t mean any disrespect, at all.  I know that walking away from a serious conversation when he isn’t finished would be disrespectful and would mean punishment, so I would not choose to do that. Even after my explanation, he struggled with whether or not to punish me for walking away, and this is where my dilemma comes in.  I did not, of ill will, walk away from him in a disrespectful choice.  It was a misunderstanding, and yet, I was not secure in the wisdom of the choice he may make at that time.  It bothered me.  I cried.  I cried all day, and into the night.
I told him in the past that I needed him to be more consistent.  He struggles with what consistency looks like.  Was it inconsistent in him not to punish me for disrespect when I was not doing it out of disrespect?  I don’t think so.  I think it was recognizing that some mistakes are going to be made, some of them unintentionally, and not every mistake is punishable by death… or spanking in this case. I feel like, because I asked for more consistency, he is over the top, looking for a reason to spank me.  

We hit a wall yesterday.  I sent him an email, that I had intended to become a post, and some of it is included in this, but I get his approval before posting, and it led to quite the discussion: Should we continue DD?  His point and thoughts in not continuing is:  If I give him my submission, then I give him complete submission. If I pick and choose when I am punished, then there is no reason to do DD, because I am ultimately, in control.  He responded with this, 
"It seems to me ttwd is all about how you feel abt anything i choose. Not abt what I choose. Yes, i hear you say that you will not refuse me the right to punish you when or how i see fit - and i suppose i should be grateful for that. In a way, I am.  I trying to understand: I either have consent or i dont. If i do, then why get upset?  If I dont, then we should stop."
He also had this to say,
" We dont mind play acting master/slave in bed and I dont mind even adjusting ttwd so it is only DD when you approve - but I see that as a game and not a lifestyle. And i see it as no different than me asking if its ok for me to give you the spanking you have asked for now."
 I don't want to stop.  We had another discussion this morning about what we really want.  I had to admit, I have some hangups in this area.  I have known that I trust him with everything in me, until our discussion this morning.  When we talked about this, he said, "you are just going to have to trust me."  In that moment, I had to say, "I can't."  I can't trust that he is not going to choose to punish me for something I don't feel I have done wrong.  I KNOW he has the right to choose when and if I am punished, but I struggle with this. 

This is an excerpt from the original email yesterday: 

"For the most part, I love being in a DD relationship.  It helps me to feel secure and loved.  Up until lately, I have felt that being in a submissive relationship offers me freedom. It is something I crave and desire. It is sexually erotic.  It brings my husband and me closer together on so many levels.  But today….  today, I am feeling confused and sad and like there is no light at the end of the tunnel because the chores grow, the house work grows, the mistakes are more, the stress is back.... TTWD can be a confusing life we live... "
Does anyone else struggle with this?  How have you dealt with this and worked it out in your mind and in your heart?  I have prayed about this over and over, to the point that I don't know if I have become blind to the reality that this is acceptable or if I truly feel this is wrong.  


  1. I think it's totally natural to struggle with resentment, or feeling that it's not fair, or any of those things when you feel that a spanking isn't warranted. The way I work it out in my head is by asking myself a couple of questions:

    Is he angry, upset, disappointed, displeased--and/or, do I FEEL like he's any of those things?

    Do I feel guilty?

    If I answer yes to either of those questions, I usually am more ok with the spanking. Right or wrong, when Steven and I STARTED DD, it was because I was smoking, and there always a lot of guilt on my side and anger on his. Or, at the very least, some frustration. Then, he would forgive me, but I'd still feel so guilty that I'd go act out and do it again. It was a super miserable cycle. We started DD to absolve my guilt and to help him work through his upset. We both felt it had been "dealt with" at that point. That being said, even if I don't feel I've done anything wrong, if I've upset him to the point he feels strongly enough to bring up spanking, when he mentions it, I tend to let it worry me and fester until guilt sets in. So, if I answer yes to either of my questions, I tend to be more ok with a spanking--I just tend to look at it more like a reset than a punishment.

    With THAT being said--sometimes, it just requires us to talk about whatever it is. For instance, I'm never really ok with being spanked for "attitude" when something he's done or said has sparked my cheating fears. Those we tend to talk through. It's just a matter of, whatever I feel super strongly AGAINST getting spanked for, him sitting down, and hearing me out. We can communicate from there, and he can make an educated decision based on the situation, and where both of us stand. If he decides then to spank me anyways--yeah, it sucks, and it's hard, but see above: reset. Role affirmation. Look at it as him trying to help your relationship improve. As Steven asks me far too often for comfort: "Does this benefit you? Me? Us? Our relationship as a whole?"

  2. I agree with your husband, sometimes you will just need to trust him even when you don't agree with his decision. A decision to spank you is no different than other decisions he might make in which you disagree. When it all comes down to it, he is the boss and it sounds like he has your best interest at heart. Sometimes he will make a mistake but if you have the right to decide when he will spank you then he really isn't in control. I'm sorry you are struggling. (((hugs))) DD is difficult sometimes huh.