I have like to brag that I am "totally submissive" to my Husband/HoH. I love being submissive. To my friends, I go to the extreme in submission, and they have NO idea we practice a DD lifestyle... they have no idea of the "extreme." I gave the gift of my submission to my husband. I am submissive in my chores, in everyday life, in the bedroom, in every way.... except one.. and while I don't reject his right to dominate in that area, I do have a problem with it.
So, I come to you, my DD blog land friends. I want to know, do others in the submissive role struggle with this?
Here it is. I don't have a problem with my husband spanking me. He spanks for punishment, for reminders, for good girl spankings, for stress relief (mine and his) and I am perfectly fine with that. I actually like the dominance, it is a turn on. I like all of these spankings, except the punishment. My problem comes in when I am being punished for something that I don't think warrants a spanking. In our DD lifestyle, my goal is to be the best, godly woman I can be, and when I make a choice not to be, a choice to break one of the "4 D" rules (or any variant thereof), I am punished. I don't like to be punished. My goal is to NOT make choices that lead to me being punished. Gud has even commented that I don't need punishment to be a godly woman. It is a natural choice I make through maturity and Spirit within me. That's good, right? Wrong... because no matter how hard I try, I still end up failing and being punished, though, not by choice.
Now, I must say, I don't get punishment spankings that often. In the few years we have been practicing, I have only had five "punishment" spankings. The first one was to "break the ice" so to speak. The second one was not as severe as it probably should have been, though at the time I felt it was. The third and fourth were during our "refocus" time and were after my admitting that during our "down time" from DD, I had some behavior that was not acceptable. And then, there was the last one. You can read about that one here. Something inside me happened during that last one. I had decided I didn't need it. I didn't want it. I did not feel I had done a deed appropriate to a punishment spanking. I never told him I felt this way. He didn't ask. We had a conversation earlier in the day and I was agreeable. As the day went on, my mind and heart changed. Being spanked without me feeling like I deserved it has left some unsettled feelings inside of me and I have reacted in a way that is not typical for me. Everything that is pointed out as an area I need to work on, makes me cry. Everything I am questioned about, makes me cry. I am beginning to drive myself crazy obsessing about every little detail in the house, and I cry. I want to give an example of something that happened yesterday.
Yesterday morning, he pointed out that he noticed a “flaky” feeling on the tub. I clean the bathroom every day, but evidently the soap scum builds up and the cleaner and cleaning rag I use does not remove it and it needs to be scrubbed more. The way he brought it up, made me feel like he was scolding me for not doing my chore. I felt like a child scolded, which is one of the very things we are trying to avoid in ttwd. I had told him that I cleaned it daily and would look at it. I turned around and saw our bed and thought, “Oh, I can get the bed straightened.” So I went to straighten the bed. Evidently, he wasn’t finished talking. I didn’t realize that. He then questioned me about disrespect and walking away from him when he was talking, and compared me to one of our children. In my mind, that solidified that in that moment, he saw me as one of his children. I didn’t mean any disrespect, at all. I know that walking away from a serious conversation when he isn’t finished would be disrespectful and would mean punishment, so I would not choose to do that. Even after my explanation, he struggled with whether or not to punish me for walking away, and this is where my dilemma comes in. I did not, of ill will, walk away from him in a disrespectful choice. It was a misunderstanding, and yet, I was not secure in the wisdom of the choice he may make at that time. It bothered me. I cried. I cried all day, and into the night.
I told him in the past that I needed him to be more consistent. He struggles with what consistency looks like. Was it inconsistent in him not to punish me for disrespect when I was not doing it out of disrespect? I don’t think so. I think it was recognizing that some mistakes are going to be made, some of them unintentionally, and not every mistake is punishable by death… or spanking in this case. I feel like, because I asked for more consistency, he is over the top, looking for a reason to spank me.
We hit a wall yesterday. I sent him an email, that I had intended to become a post, and some of it is included in this, but I get his approval before posting, and it led to quite the discussion: Should we continue DD? His point and thoughts in not continuing is: If I give him my submission, then I give him complete submission. If I pick and choose when I am punished, then there is no reason to do DD, because I am ultimately, in control. He responded with this,
"He also had this to say,