Gud One's Decision

Because of the stress for both myself and Gud, as of late, he announced last night that we were going to take a break from DD.  I panicked.  I felt as though the world as I knew it was falling apart.  Our whole relationship has included DD, even though we may not have always been overly active, I knew the threat of a spanking was there.  I felt like, without it, I standing at the end of a cliff and and had no where to go, but down.  DD makes me feel secure in so many ways.  One of those ways is knowing that I belong to him, knowing that he will be dominant and give me rules and orders, and knowing that I am valued and loved.  I have never had that in any other relationship, and I don't want to lose it in this one...and in that moment, I could see it all slipping away.  In reality, because of our love for each other and most importantly, our relationship and love for God, our marriage would not have collapsed over this, but it sure would be like starting over from the beginning, like starting a whole new relationship, because this is all I have known in this marriage.  

During moments that I could gain my composure enough to listen and talk, he explained to me that he could not see continuing to do something that caused stress in our lives.  He also pointed out that, from his perspective, I am trying to top from the bottom.  I only want spankings when I want them and don't want them if I don't agree with them.  He shared with me that he feels I am trying to control when I should be disciplined.  He also has pointed out that intent really doesn't matter. After talking, my intent may determine whether I get a punishment, It may matter to the severity of the punishment, or it may not matter at all.  The point is, it is his decision to make, not mine. 

Gud came to the conclusion that if he was forcing me to be spanked when I didn't really want it, he was willing to give DD up, rather than force something I don't want.  He felt that I was wanting to "play" at this and not have it for the "real life."  He wanted to make sure that I didn't feel that he was manipulating me into doing DD his way.  There was no manipulation.  He was very clear that he is an "all or nothing" kind of guy, and I couldn't have this life only when I felt like I deserved it. After rationalizing to myself that I didn't deserve the spanking, I started to question his decision process, lowering my trust in his judgement of whether or not to spank me, and it put a lot of stress on both of us.  I began to feel like every area that was pointed out to me, was an opportunity for him to choose to spank me.  Because of this, he felt the best choice for us would be to take a break from DD for a little while, and address it later.  When I asked what that would look like, he explained that he was willing to let me ask for a spanking (no matter what kind it was, erotic included).  He was planning on being dominant with no ability to punish. He didn't want to take a chance on making the situation worse for our relationship.  I couldn't see this description of letting me ask, as him being dominant in any way.   We talked until we had calmed and fell asleep, and then again this morning.  My strong reaction (and that is putting it lightly) was one of the things that caused him to reconsider.  The other was that I was willing to work through this issue.  To have this lifestyle, I have to trust him completely.  I have to give him the authority to make the call.  I can explain my opinion and how I feel, but in the end (no pun intended :)) it is his decision on how to handle each situation.    

He did ask me if I was willing to do that.  He asked me why I felt I NEEDED DD and why I desired DD.  After realizing that it would mean giving up the security of the DD lifestyle all together, I decided I could work out my struggles and accept his decisions for punishment, whether I agree or not. I want to be the "total submissive" I have bragged about.  I don't want these feelings of "I don't deserve this, and I don't want it."  I want to give him the WHOLE gift of submission, not a broken gift.  

When I look at the big picture, he has never been mean to me, he is not selfish, he is very loving, he cares about me with everything in him.  He loves God and loves our family.  He is not given to fits of rage. He is level headed and likes to think through his decisions before implementing them.  I have to trust that he will do that in this one area I struggle with.  He did reconsider the DD lifestyle (he likes being an HoH, when I am not crazy nuts and freaking out) and agreed that we would continue.

To get things back to a balanced place, this morning, Gud was very helpful and HoHy to point this out and solidify it in a way any gud TiH can understand.  I was given a good, firm spanking, not severe, but firm.  I was reminded that I belong to him, that he is the one in control, that he is the one who makes the decisions about what is punishable and what is not. 

My opinion is valued and will be heard, I will accept his decision and will be thankful for it.  Today, I am more thankful for it than I was yesterday.  Funny thing, how almost losing something so precious can give you a new perspective and appreciation!