How I found the Gud Wife

This post is by GudOne. I have been asked many times how I found someone to marry who was interested in CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline). So I thought I'd share what I did.

In general:

Pray for wisdom and discernment to know God's will for you in this area of life, to find the perfect spouse for you, in a reasonable timeframe.

You need to write a description of your perfect spouse (including things/traits which are non-negotiables, nice-to-haves, will-tolerate, never-will-tolerate), so when you find someone who might be a candidate, you can compare that person to your description (before emotions get involved) see if those qualifications are met.


You also need to write a description of what you are looking for and what you dont want, so you can out it in the online description on the dating sites without being so specific that anyone can pretend to be those things.

You also needs to describe yourself in such a way to let people know you love God and put him first, will be celibate until marriage, and desire to follow God. Men need to indicate that as the Head of the House, you desire lead the godly woman God puts into your life, while women should indicate that as the Lady of the House, you desire to follow the godly man God puts into your life.

Now to the specifics for my situation:

I am a conservative Christian man whose wife divorced him. I ended up with the children and i felt they (and i) needed a feminine touch. But I wanted a woman who loved God in words and deed, who would be passionate, compassionate, loving, fun, smart, dicerning, patient, forgiving, gracious, merciful, spirited, kind, wanted to run her home but have her husband ultimately be in charge. So I prayed and went looking for a woman like that: I went to a Christian singles website and put what I was looking for in my description. Some women were offended, I think. But some were curious. Others verbally gave me what they thought I wanted, but when we actually started talking, could not actually meet the qualifications or could not allow themselves to be submissive. Some were naturally submissive.

I had a list of questions which I asked – trying to determine if this woman had the characteristics I was looking for.

If someone was interested, we wrote online to each other. Some of those progressed to phone conversations. With one woman, it progressed further than that. I ended up marrying her – after I had dominated her verbally and had spanked her.

I tried a number of online sites. Many are filled with fakes trying to get you to send them money or trying to have sex with you. Many of the people on those sites are Christian in name only. Many of the people who DO have faith are baby Christians. For me, I considered it an interview process. I was not looking to have fun. I was not looking for a buddy. I was looking for a woman friend with whom I could fall in love and marry, although I was NOT looking to fall in love at that time. So I wrote a detailed description of me and the woman I was looking for (including the facts that I didnt want ppl who are liars or addicts or unhealthy or high maintenance (all traits of my ex), and when I began to converse with a woman, I asked questions that are pertinent to me and as we conversed more, the questions would become more personal. These conversations had purpose and were not aimless, though i didnt always talk abt my questions below, as I wanted to get to know them and would try to get them to talk about thier own experiences. But converation would help weed out addicts, liars, lazy people, etc. I also tried weed out unhealthy/unstable people. I also suggest you set a limit on the distance you are willing to travel to meet and/or to have a long distance relationship, as well as decide ahead of time of whether you are willing to move and if so, how far.

The Christian sites I liked were:
http://www.christianmingle.com/ (not cheap, but a great community, some real Christians on there, great group chats, and they have meet n greets accross the country – but not where I met my lady).
http://www.christianlifestyle.com/ (met my lady here)

I created a separate email address on yahoo.com to be able to register with these sites and get email from them and the people I considered for dating, I thought it safer.

How I described me:
I was saved DD MON YYYY. The Bible is the manual for life. I teach my 4 kids (and I gave age and gender) a Bible study each morning before school. We hang out in the evenings after dinner - well, when they've returned from hanging out with their various friends. I teach and preach in English and Spanish, as called by God. I have been an associate pastor and a missionary. My paying job is as a XXXX.


This is what I said I was looking for:
“I wouldn’t mind finding a friend who might become something more when I am ready. I am looking for a woman who loves God, my kids, and me. She will be honest and not an addict, and will be used by God to help me grow to become more Christ-like. She will be honest, trustworthy, caring, loving, moral. I don’t want a door mat. Passiveness is not what I want. She should be a strong woman with a mind of her own, able to run the home. I need a woman who will help me become more like Christ – sharing her thoughts and opinions and feelings, someone with whom we can submit one to another (where God leads us through the other sometimes), but who ultimately will trust God enough to submit to me if I feel the need to exercise my position as head of house.”

These are the sorts of things I would ask people (some would be in email conversations, chat/skype conversations, or on phone if we got that far):

Where will you go when you die, and why?
What does Jesus Christ mean to you?
What should be the purpose of a Christian’s life?
How often do you go to church? why?
How do you minister?
Who should lead Bible studies in the home? What’s been your experience in this
area?
Who should teach/preach in church? What’s been your experience in this area?
What movies (specific titles and genre) do you enjoy and why?
What television shows (specific titles and genre) do you enjoy?
What music do you listen to? Why? (personally, if it was anything other than praise n worship, contemporary Christian, gospel, then I would doubt we’d be compatible as I want to be focused on GOD where I can)
What is your idea of a fun time in a marriage?
Are you politically conservative or liberal, why?
Should Christians be involved in politics, why?
Have you been married before? If so, what happened? If you got divorced, who
started the divorce proceedings and why? If not, why not (at my age, there’s got
to be a reason they are not married)?
Do you have children – if so, do they live at home, how old are they?
Do you want more children?
I have X number of children living at home, how do you feel about that?
What experience do you have with children?
What is your idea of a fun date?
What are the three most important things in your life?
What does God mean to you?
What is your idea of a relaxing time?
Describe your perfect husband?
Describe the husband’s role in marriage?
Describe the wife’s role in marriage?
How should a disagreement be handled in a marriage?
When was the last time you lied? Why? To whom? (note, this would usually trip up people, but for me, there is only one good answer – almost everyone lies, but if you lie to someone then you will lie to me, so I’m not interested).
Do you believe in sharing your thoughts and feelings with your spouse?
How much do you like to communicate in a relationship?
How do you handle sad things happening? Please describe a real example…
How do you handle scary things happening? Please describe a real example…
How do you handle frustrating things happening? Please describe a real
example…
How do you handle maddening things happening? Please describe a real example…
How do you feel about teasing people? How far is too far?
How do you feel about physical violence?
How do you feel about sex (this is important to me, so if we got to know each
other better, we would discuss it in detail)?

Notice, little of these things had anything to do with DD. THAT conversation came AFTER I knew what sort of person she was and whether she was interested in being submissive in marriage. 

At that point, I asked her whether she had ever heard of CDD, and described it and then asked her to read about it from the yahoo news group Christian Domestic Discipline. She read and then we discussed. I would ask her to write me her thoughts and feelings concerning various posts or points of discussion. We lived a few hours apart and were not able to meet much. But I began exerting control in her life. Over time, I would have her do things to show she was compliant and that would take some courage for her to too. Also, I had her write lines as punishment. I would often have her write me emails or essays about things that are important to me and/or to her. Eventually, we met and I spanked her - twice. You can read of her versions of those events if you want:

How it all began.
One Gud Spanking: The First!
Another Gud Spanking: In the Same Meeting!


I hope that helps someone....
GudOne

Gud One's Decision

Because of the stress for both myself and Gud, as of late, he announced last night that we were going to take a break from DD.  I panicked.  I felt as though the world as I knew it was falling apart.  Our whole relationship has included DD, even though we may not have always been overly active, I knew the threat of a spanking was there.  I felt like, without it, I standing at the end of a cliff and and had no where to go, but down.  DD makes me feel secure in so many ways.  One of those ways is knowing that I belong to him, knowing that he will be dominant and give me rules and orders, and knowing that I am valued and loved.  I have never had that in any other relationship, and I don't want to lose it in this one...and in that moment, I could see it all slipping away.  In reality, because of our love for each other and most importantly, our relationship and love for God, our marriage would not have collapsed over this, but it sure would be like starting over from the beginning, like starting a whole new relationship, because this is all I have known in this marriage.  

During moments that I could gain my composure enough to listen and talk, he explained to me that he could not see continuing to do something that caused stress in our lives.  He also pointed out that, from his perspective, I am trying to top from the bottom.  I only want spankings when I want them and don't want them if I don't agree with them.  He shared with me that he feels I am trying to control when I should be disciplined.  He also has pointed out that intent really doesn't matter. After talking, my intent may determine whether I get a punishment, It may matter to the severity of the punishment, or it may not matter at all.  The point is, it is his decision to make, not mine. 

Gud came to the conclusion that if he was forcing me to be spanked when I didn't really want it, he was willing to give DD up, rather than force something I don't want.  He felt that I was wanting to "play" at this and not have it for the "real life."  He wanted to make sure that I didn't feel that he was manipulating me into doing DD his way.  There was no manipulation.  He was very clear that he is an "all or nothing" kind of guy, and I couldn't have this life only when I felt like I deserved it. After rationalizing to myself that I didn't deserve the spanking, I started to question his decision process, lowering my trust in his judgement of whether or not to spank me, and it put a lot of stress on both of us.  I began to feel like every area that was pointed out to me, was an opportunity for him to choose to spank me.  Because of this, he felt the best choice for us would be to take a break from DD for a little while, and address it later.  When I asked what that would look like, he explained that he was willing to let me ask for a spanking (no matter what kind it was, erotic included).  He was planning on being dominant with no ability to punish. He didn't want to take a chance on making the situation worse for our relationship.  I couldn't see this description of letting me ask, as him being dominant in any way.   We talked until we had calmed and fell asleep, and then again this morning.  My strong reaction (and that is putting it lightly) was one of the things that caused him to reconsider.  The other was that I was willing to work through this issue.  To have this lifestyle, I have to trust him completely.  I have to give him the authority to make the call.  I can explain my opinion and how I feel, but in the end (no pun intended :)) it is his decision on how to handle each situation.    

He did ask me if I was willing to do that.  He asked me why I felt I NEEDED DD and why I desired DD.  After realizing that it would mean giving up the security of the DD lifestyle all together, I decided I could work out my struggles and accept his decisions for punishment, whether I agree or not. I want to be the "total submissive" I have bragged about.  I don't want these feelings of "I don't deserve this, and I don't want it."  I want to give him the WHOLE gift of submission, not a broken gift.  

When I look at the big picture, he has never been mean to me, he is not selfish, he is very loving, he cares about me with everything in him.  He loves God and loves our family.  He is not given to fits of rage. He is level headed and likes to think through his decisions before implementing them.  I have to trust that he will do that in this one area I struggle with.  He did reconsider the DD lifestyle (he likes being an HoH, when I am not crazy nuts and freaking out) and agreed that we would continue.

To get things back to a balanced place, this morning, Gud was very helpful and HoHy to point this out and solidify it in a way any gud TiH can understand.  I was given a good, firm spanking, not severe, but firm.  I was reminded that I belong to him, that he is the one in control, that he is the one who makes the decisions about what is punishable and what is not. 

My opinion is valued and will be heard, I will accept his decision and will be thankful for it.  Today, I am more thankful for it than I was yesterday.  Funny thing, how almost losing something so precious can give you a new perspective and appreciation!  

Totally Submissive...Almost

Preface: This post was approved by and suggestions made by GudOne, my HoH.  This is meant in no way to "bash" him.  He is the most wonderful, loving man I know. He is an awesome leader and HoH.  This blog is about the feelings I am dealing with in this one area of struggle.  Gud, I love you more and more every day and thank God for sending you to me and giving me to you!

I have like to brag that I am "totally submissive" to my Husband/HoH.  I love being submissive.  To my friends, I go to the extreme in submission, and they have NO idea we practice a DD lifestyle... they have no idea of the "extreme."  I gave the gift of my submission to my husband.  I am submissive in my chores, in everyday life, in the bedroom, in every way.... except one.. and while I don't reject his right to dominate in that area, I do have a problem with it.

So, I come to you, my DD blog land friends.  I want to know, do others in the submissive role struggle with this?

Here it is.  I don't have a problem with my husband spanking me.  He spanks for punishment, for reminders, for good girl spankings, for stress relief (mine and his) and I am perfectly fine with that.  I actually like the dominance, it is a turn on.  I like all of these spankings, except the punishment.  My problem comes in when I am being punished for something that I don't think warrants a spanking.  In our DD lifestyle, my goal is to be the best, godly woman I can be, and when I make a choice not to be, a choice to break one of the "4 D" rules (or any variant thereof), I am punished.  I don't like to be punished.  My goal is to NOT make choices that lead to me being punished.  Gud has even commented that I don't need punishment to be a godly woman. It is a natural choice I make through maturity and Spirit within me.  That's good, right?  Wrong... because no matter how hard I try, I still end up failing and being punished, though, not by choice.

Now, I must say, I don't get punishment spankings that often.  In the few years we have been practicing, I have only had five "punishment" spankings.  The first one was to "break the ice" so to speak.  The second one was not as severe as it probably should have been, though at the time I felt it was.  The third and fourth were during our "refocus" time and were after my admitting that during our "down time" from DD, I had some behavior that was not acceptable.  And then, there was the last one. You can read about that one here.  Something inside me happened during that last one.  I had decided I didn't need it.  I didn't want it.  I did not feel I had done a deed appropriate to a punishment spanking. I never told him I felt this way.  He didn't ask.  We had a conversation earlier in the day and I was agreeable.  As the day went on, my mind and heart changed.  Being spanked without me feeling like I deserved it has left some unsettled feelings inside of me and I have reacted in a way that is not typical for me.  Everything that is pointed out as an area I need to work on, makes me cry.  Everything I am questioned about, makes me cry.  I am beginning to drive myself crazy obsessing about every little detail in the house, and I cry.  I want to give an example of something that happened yesterday.

Yesterday morning, he pointed out that he noticed a “flaky” feeling on the tub.  I clean the bathroom every day, but evidently the soap scum builds up and the cleaner and cleaning rag I use does not remove it and it needs to be scrubbed more. The way he brought it up, made me feel like he was scolding me for not doing my chore.  I felt like a child scolded, which is one of the very things we are trying to avoid in ttwd.  I had told him that I cleaned it daily and would look at it.  I turned around and saw our bed and thought, “Oh, I can get the bed straightened.” So I went to straighten the bed.  Evidently, he wasn’t finished talking.  I didn’t realize that.  He then questioned me about disrespect and walking away from him when he was talking, and compared me to one of our children.  In my mind, that solidified that in that moment, he saw me as one of his children.  I didn’t mean any disrespect, at all.  I know that walking away from a serious conversation when he isn’t finished would be disrespectful and would mean punishment, so I would not choose to do that. Even after my explanation, he struggled with whether or not to punish me for walking away, and this is where my dilemma comes in.  I did not, of ill will, walk away from him in a disrespectful choice.  It was a misunderstanding, and yet, I was not secure in the wisdom of the choice he may make at that time.  It bothered me.  I cried.  I cried all day, and into the night.

I told him in the past that I needed him to be more consistent.  He struggles with what consistency looks like.  Was it inconsistent in him not to punish me for disrespect when I was not doing it out of disrespect?  I don’t think so.  I think it was recognizing that some mistakes are going to be made, some of them unintentionally, and not every mistake is punishable by death… or spanking in this case. I feel like, because I asked for more consistency, he is over the top, looking for a reason to spank me.  

We hit a wall yesterday.  I sent him an email, that I had intended to become a post, and some of it is included in this, but I get his approval before posting, and it led to quite the discussion: Should we continue DD?  His point and thoughts in not continuing is:  If I give him my submission, then I give him complete submission. If I pick and choose when I am punished, then there is no reason to do DD, because I am ultimately, in control.  He responded with this, 

"It seems to me ttwd is all about how you feel abt anything i choose. Not abt what I choose. Yes, i hear you say that you will not refuse me the right to punish you when or how i see fit - and i suppose i should be grateful for that. In a way, I am.  I trying to understand: I either have consent or i dont. If i do, then why get upset?  If I dont, then we should stop."

He also had this to say,

" We dont mind play acting master/slave in bed and I dont mind even adjusting ttwd so it is only DD when you approve - but I see that as a game and not a lifestyle. And i see it as no different than me asking if its ok for me to give you the spanking you have asked for now."

 I don't want to stop.  We had another discussion this morning about what we really want.  I had to admit, I have some hangups in this area.  I have known that I trust him with everything in me, until our discussion this morning.  When we talked about this, he said, "you are just going to have to trust me."  In that moment, I had to say, "I can't."  I can't trust that he is not going to choose to punish me for something I don't feel I have done wrong.  I KNOW he has the right to choose when and if I am punished, but I struggle with this. 

This is an excerpt from the original email yesterday: 

"For the most part, I love being in a DD relationship.  It helps me to feel secure and loved.  Up until lately, I have felt that being in a submissive relationship offers me freedom. It is something I crave and desire. It is sexually erotic.  It brings my husband and me closer together on so many levels.  But today….  today, I am feeling confused and sad and like there is no light at the end of the tunnel because the chores grow, the house work grows, the mistakes are more, the stress is back.... TTWD can be a confusing life we live... "

Does anyone else struggle with this?  How have you dealt with this and worked it out in your mind and in your heart?  I have prayed about this over and over, to the point that I don't know if I have become blind to the reality that this is acceptable or if I truly feel this is wrong.  

DD; It's The Gud Life

Domestic Discipline has helped me in so many ways.  My husband (GudOne) and I have been practicing Christian Domestic Discipline for over three years.   I want to share some of the things I have overcome. Because of wanting to walk closely with God and to be the woman He expects me to be as a Christian, I felt that DD could be the one tool to help me achieve that goal.  I have an amazing, godly husband who is more than happy to help me reach those goals.  It has been, for the most part, very easy to submit to such a man.  I want to say that I don’t feel a woman can be forced into submission.  Submission is a gift, freely given. For us, we have to be first, submissive to God and then I am to be submissive to my husband. 

Through this journey, it has been interesting to see a grown woman in her forties, who has gone through life in a successful career, been through two marriages (Ok, they weren't so successful), and never realized that something like DD could make me stop and look back over my life, and actually change something so important.  When we first began DD, I was a bit conflicted because of the peace and solace a spanking brought to my life.  I was not, however, confused about whether or not this would be a lifestyle I could accept or live with...and in my mind and my heart, I knew it was a lifestyle I would cherish, a lifestyle I could whole-heartedly submit to, and a lifestyle I would embrace....

 
A little while after we jumped into this lifestyle, I began thinking about the life I have lived.  I am an adult with ADHD, I have some obsessive/compulsive tendencies, I am a spontaneous, "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of woman and I have been used to being “in control” and leading in almost every aspect of my life.  In the past, I have not had men who had any control over me at all, or even wanted to.  One day, early on, the concept become clear to me that "I have to be self-controlled. Everything my HOH has asked of me, since we began this journey has been about SELF-CONTROL"...

I finally realized, at that moment that for my whole adult life, I had been in control of everything around me (my relationships, my job, my decisions, my step-children, my choices of what I would do, where I would go, what I would wear, EVERYTHING, but the one thing I have had NO CONTROL over, was myself.... I know that sounds really bizarre, but it is so true.. I did not control my thoughts, my health, my 
feelings, my emotions, even some of my actions, I was not in control of myself, and now, by being submissive to another person and gifting someone else with control of my most personal thoughts and actions, I am learning to gain self-control and I am learning that it has to be a part of my life.  Through this lifestyle, we have both learned some things.  

It became clear that I did have one thing that controlled me, my “collections.”  I don’t want to say I was a hoarder, because after watching that show about the hoarders, I decided I was more of a “collector.”  I had such a collection, that it became out of control. Not long after beginning our DD life, I no longer had a desire to have all of that “stuff,” and I cleaned it out.  I had a man who was in control of me and I could now conquer the masses of treasures I had a relationship with. I have a clean home, now, and that has also reduced my stress level, and my husband’s stress level.  I can easily slip back into old, habitual patterns, and let things slide.  Due to this, I have asked Gud to put some rules in place about the house.  As I got rooms completely cleaned, I now have daily chores to do to have a clean house all the time and not freak out because of a mess I let go too long.  When I see an “area of need” I will ask Gud to consider making this a rule or a boundary.  Ultimately, he makes the final decision as to whether or not it will be.  For me, when he gives me boundaries and rules, it solidifies that I must do this, and if I don’t it is then disobedience and will be dealt with accordingly. 

Through DD, I now think about things before I do them, or say them. I take time to give thought to my words, my actions. I had to learn to deal with my health, I had let myself get so far away from being healthy.  I have some health problems that, under control, are not life-threatening, but out of control, can be very life threatening.  No one had really cared about helping me take care of myself.  I now take my meds regularly and feel much better because someone cares enough to make sure I stay healthy, to compliment me and encourage me when I do, and to make me stop and take a look and focus on how I am feeling and thinking. 

 I am learning that my husband WANTS to hear my opinion and that my opinion is valuable to him.  I have learned to give my opinion in a respectful way.  I no longer have an argumentative spirit.  I share my opinion, I know I am heard, and he makes the decisions.  The burden of no longer making major decisions for a family has been lifted from me.  As a wife, that burden was not to be on my shoulders in the first place.  I am continuing to learn that without my opinion, Gud can not make the best decisions for our family, and it is my responsibility to share those with him.  Because of my past, that isn’t always easy. He has put rules in place that I must share my thoughts with him.  I have some insecurity when my thoughts are not in alignment with his, and he has lovingly reassured me that I will not be in trouble for having a different opinion, he won’t stop loving me, he won’t discard my thoughts. Considering it is difficult for me to be open up freely, this rule to talk to him about my thoughts and opinions has helped in opening up the lines of communication.  When we have regular evening discussions, I get more in the habit of being open and it is more comfortable for me to talk.  If we miss a few nights, I feel like it is starting over from the beginning.

Now, the delivery of my thoughts and opinions is subject to trouble, if not done respectfully. 

This leads me to my next way that DD has helped me.  I have the most amazing marriage, and I have had enough marriages to know the difference.  We do not argue, he doesn’t pout and storm off, I don’t scream and yell, we are happy in this union.  I can honestly say that I have never had a punishment because of arguing with Gud or having a tantrum, and the disrespect issue (only dealt with once) was because I admitted my actions, that he never saw.  My (step)children have never seen me be disrespectful to their father. They have never seen us argue.  They have thanked me for being honest to him and to them.  They see me serve their father with gladness in my heart.  They hear me call him “Sir,” and they see two people who are in love.  They don’t know about our DD lifestyle, but they do know that their father is the leader of our home and they know I am submissive to him.

Having rules and boundaries is very important to me.  I NEED them.  It is not just a desire or a fetish, in order for me to be as productive as possible, and manage our home and life, I need help with setting those boundaries.  Because of my focus-challenged personality, I may sit down to do a blog or a craft and intend to only spend a few minutes on it, and will end up in front of the computer or sewing machine for HOURS and not get anything else accomplished.  I often use a timer to help with time restraints and follow a checklist/schedule on a daily basis.  Having those rules and boundaries in place helps me feel secure and successful.  The only way I know to explain it to others is, imagine that you are in a house and just outside your doors there are dangers in every area of your yard.  Some of those dangers can creep inside if you allow your door to be open and some, you walk into if you step outside that door.  As long as you remain in your home with the door closed, you are safe.  Rules and boundaries are my protection from my own personal dangers, whether they be health, not getting my work finished, being unproductive, disrespectful, or just impulsive, whatever the case may be.

I never run my husband down.  I have no reason to.  I build him up in our home and I build him up outside our home.  I let others know how much I appreciate him and love him for being the leader in our home and for being a great provider, for caring for me and our family, and for being a caring, godly man.  In my first marriage, my husband and I very seldom had anything nice to say about each other, and even made jokes about our “short comings” in front of each other and in a group of friends.  With my second husband, I didn’t want to be mean, I wanted him to feel better about himself, so while he continually ran me down, often in a “joking manner,” I made great efforts not to do the same.  I did address things like his infidelity and other issues to his face, but that was not the same as pointing out issues and making fun of him.  I did talk to my friends and they knew about his poor behaviors.  In my search for my third husband, it was important that he be a man who walked upright and lived a righteous life.  I wanted someone I could be proud of and not see the little imperfections because the goodness would outshine that.  I have that in my HoH.  I have no desire to speak ill of him.  I only want to lift him up and encourage him.  I trust him with everything in me.

Another major way that DD helps our marriage is the sex.  Being submissive is such an erotic thing for me, and being dominant is erotic for Gud, so naturally, the physical side of our relationship is amazing.  I have had fantasies in the past, that are now realities.  I am a “fully” submissive wife.  I will never tell my husband, “No!”  I am his.  This concept didn’t come about just with DD.  This is one belief my mother instilled in me from a very early age.  “When you get married, you are to never tell your husband, ‘No” when he wants you sexually.”  She taught me that Biblically, it is wrong to deny him any pleasure.   As a teen, this idea became a fantastical dream and I couldn’t wait to be “taken” by my husband anytime, every time, where ever.  Three marriages later, that is a reality.  Because I was in “the leader” in previous marriages, I was expected to be the leader in the bedroom also, and that made my one area I was submissive in, null and void.  With being totally submissive to Gud, I have had to learn that it is still acceptable for me to let him know when I am “in the mood,” too.  The difference is, now I get to seduce him and tease him, and at some point in the seduction, he takes over and controls what is his. 

I have so many friends I would love to be able to share the benefits of this lifestyle.  When they tell me that they had an argument or disagreement over something, or when I hear women disrespect their husbands or run them down, I want to say, “He needs to take you over his knee and that would take care of that!”  But alas, I just smile and know that in our home, in our relationship, everything is just as it should be.  My bottom may be colorful at times, but my heart, spirit, and marriage are happy!

To sum it all up, this DD lifestyle has helped me be more focused, less stressed and anxious, more respectful, and less impulsivity.  I am honest and much more trustworthy that I have ever been.  My life is more organized and smooth flowing.  I am the happiest I have been as an adult, and this is mostly due to DD.  

Justification Can Mess You Up!!

Gud and I are participating in Kenzie's Spanko Advent Calendar.  It isn't too late to begin if you haven't started!!

We have enjoyed following along with the calendar but have fallen a bit "behind," I am sad to say.  We started on Day 2 and actually "caught up" the very first night. 

DD has helped me in so many ways, and I will be discussing that in an upcoming blog.  One of those is that I tend to allow our house to get "out of order."  I then stress out when it is time to clean it all up.  I have recently gotten things in very good shape and I asked Gud to "help" me keep it up.  He very much enjoys a clean house and readily agreed.  We decided that I would do daily chores to keep up the work I have already accomplished, and if those chores are not finished daily, a punishment or reminder is in order, whichever he sees appropriate to give.  

Each day, I send diary entries to Gud to let him know the progress of getting things done, and at night, he goes over the list and asks if I have anything I need to confess for the day.  I end up telling him in my diary anyway, but me being more open and swallowing my pride to verbally confess helps me feel more submissive.  On Monday night, we went over the list and one of the things he asks is, has all of the laundry been folded and put away.  Other than a set of sheets I had planned to put on the bed, I answered "yes." 

On Tuesday morning, I picked up that set of sheets and under them was a small pile of laundry that I, evidently, had not put away.  My very first thought was, "Oops, I need to get those put away."  My next thought was, "I really need to let Gud know I left these out."  Now, this is where most people would say, "WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU DO THAT?" Well, ttwd is to help me keep up with the housework and chores.  I asked him to help me with this, and if he isn't aware of problems or things I let slip up, he can't help me.  So, in my next diary entry, I sent him a picture of the little pile of laundry and told him they had been left undone.  

We recently had a "refocus" week and he agreed to be more consistent.  He sent a response to my entry to let me know we would "deal with it" that evening.  I thanked him and knew he would be true to his word.  I also thanked him for being consistent and being a great HoH.  

Being a woman, a hormonal woman, something happened that afternoon.  I remembered WHY the laundry was there.  I found it in the dryer while in the middle of cooking for Thanksgiving.  I didn't want to forget it again, so I put it in a small basket and took it to our room to put away when I could.  I cooked until  late and we were leaving early the next morning (Thanksgiving) to go to my family's.  When we got home on Thanksgiving evening, I discovered one of our dogs had left a big "wet" spot on my side of the bed.  I went for sheets to find we had none cleaned. Our dryer is not heating and sheets are done in the mornings to dry for the day, as I need them.  So, I put a flat sheet on the bed.  Friday and Saturday Gud and I spent the days taking care of errands while we had the opportunity to go alone.  Each evening, we got home and I started dinner and evening chores until bedtime.  Sunday was church and then more cooking.  Monday was spent doing errands in the morning, guest leaving mid-day, and then the next few hours catching up on daily chores until time to cook dinner.  That evening I relaxed and chatted with my DD friends. On Tuesday, there they lay, so I began justifying why they were not put away and I think I talked myself out of "deserving" a punishment.  I have tried so hard to be good and it has been a month since I have been punished.  I debated whether or not to share this "information" with Gud.  I then rationalized that I COULD have put the things away on Monday, but I didn't want to do that.  I was tired and exhausted and I needed time for me!  (See how this works in my head??  Does anybody else do this?)

Another thing compounded the situation that afternoon.  I LOVE the holidays.  I enjoy entertaining and having folks over and decorating, and just being festive and happy and sharing with others.  Since moving to a new place, that hasn't happened.  I began missing my old friends and became homesick and depressed with the thought of not having those fun holiday celebrations.

I have this really bad habit of planning things out in my head and figuring out the best way that things can play out.  The problem with this is, very seldom do things ever go the way I "planned."  So, my thoughts:  "It has been over 12 hours since finding the laundry.  After the kids go to bed, I will ask to get my shower.  I would like to have some time to think about this and get in the proper mood for this punishment.  He usually doesn't have me do corner time or alone time before, but I will ask for that tonight. When we talk before the punishment, I will explain how they came to be left, but I will admit that they could have been done on Monday, and that I should have gotten that done."

How it really played out:  I asked to get my shower and asked, "Would you like for me to get in my bed clothes and come to bed as usual, after my shower, or would you rather I go to the closet and wait for you? " [NOTE:  In a note of explanation, "the closet" will be mentioned in my blogs often (I am sure of it!).  We have teens in our home..three of them, and we need a quiet, private place to have our spanking sessions, whether they be good girl spankings, reminders, maintenance, erotic spankings, or punishment (that might be heard), so we use our closet, which is behind three closed doors and downstairs after they go to bed.] The response was that I would come back to the bedroom because we needed more time to assure the kids were asleep.  After my shower, we chatted for a while and he told me to go to the closet and pray and think about what I had done and ask forgiveness.  While in the closet, I got out the box of implements, undressed, and prayed.  While praying, I thanked God for the HoH I have and I prayed for forgiveness for..... well, hmmm, what am I actually asking forgiveness for?  I couldn't finish the statement, at first.  I justified that I could have put the laundry away on Monday, and that is why I was being punished.  I forgot, so I prayed for God to help me with my forgetfulness (even though I was very busy!!) and I kept praying and feeling more and more solemn and down... 

And then Gud came in.  He told me he loved me, he told me that I needed to remember to put things away, and he told me this was a punishment, so there wouldn't be much of a warm up.  I let him know I understood, and then the punishment began.  We are in a closet, so there is no otk, I bend over, with my hands on a wicker hamper.  I can tell you, he is taking pride in "stepping up" on the punishment!  Not having one in a month, it didn't take long to be stinging A LOT!  I cried much easier than usual.  I reached my breaking point much quicker, and I felt crushed, even though the actual punishment was not as severe as it would have been, had this been a serious issue.  Usually, for me, spanking is a release of guilt, an end to the feeling of needing and deserving punishment; it is cathartic.  I cry, I am given loving after care, which includes being  gently held and told I am loved and forgiven, and it is over. Usually the words, "it is over, all is forgiven," is the end of it all and we move on, but not this time, for me, at least.  

I had rationalized with myself that I didn't deserve this spanking, I was depressed over the holiday thing, and it all released during that spanking.  He tried giving aftercare, he hugged, he was gentle and loving, and caring.  I was there, but not emotionally, only in body.  I didn't know how I felt, I didn't know why I was so broken, I felt crushed in spirit.  A few minutes later he asked if I wanted to do the spanko calendar, because I had asked earlier in the day if we could still do it, even though I was being punished, and I didn't want to.  This was a very hard evening for me.  I cried for a couple of hours until I fell asleep.  

Then next morning, Gud felt so bad!!  After our morning prayers, he apologized for the spanking.  I told him that I was not sorry and I was glad he did it.  His comment, "Yeah, ok, like that helps," and he went to get his bath.  I was worried that he wouldn't want to continue doing CDD.  While he was in his bath, we talked.  I explained more of these thoughts I had the night before.  He realized he had not talked to me before the punishment and had no idea my thoughts had changed from that "thank you for being a great HoH" diary entry he had gotten that morning.  After talking to me, he pointed out that I had justified to myself that I didn't need to be spanked, and that was one of the reasons I had such a hard time. He decided that regardless of what he thought, he was going to make sure to discuss the issue before punishment begins in the future, to avoid bad reactions.  I may not always agree with whether or not I need punishment, but we must communicate so we can be on the same page so he knows how to handle my emotions afterward. It is very important for aftercare.  

That day, my bottom was a bit sensitive, but nothing like it could have been.  I had a rough morning with the depression of not having my hometown friends and family near me, but with his encouragement, we decided to plan a Christmas party for our church family.  My day got better and my mood turned around.  I don't regret the spanking.  I am glad he did it...now!  I want to know that he is going to continue to be there for me as I mess up and forget and make excuses, and justify my poor behavior.  

He is the most loving man I know.  Yesterday, he came home from work sick, and we didn't do the advent calendar last night, so we missed two nights in a row!  Well, he has worked from home today and instead of "mistletoe" we have a snowflake.  (I earn a swat for every time I walk through that door and have racked up over 50 swats today!)  We are making up for all three nights, tonight... so, I get to ask if I have been a good girl or naughty, we use a new implement (extra points for a Christmas theme), AND the swats for the snowflake.  This has been a fun, exciting, erotic day, with private notes and texts and flirting and loving.  I can't wait for the kids to be in bed!!  

Being Gud and Consistent

 Gud and I practice CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline) and I have been asked lately, what I see as the difference in CDD and DD, and now that we have been in ttwd for a length of time, if I see that we are doing more DD than CDD.  While this post is not focused on the difference in the two, I do hope the meaning and thought of CDD in our relationship and how it effects the choices I make.  

Over the years of being involved in ttwd, and being in groups, forums, and chats, during research, and now life,

I have found some of the common concerns in the submissive partners.  In many posts, topics, and discussions I have seen: women who feel that they are treated as a child, women wishing their husbands would be more consistent, and women who do things (whether intentional or not) to force an act of discipline.  Over the years, these posts have brought some very interesting questions to my mind, and some high curiosities.  Some of which, I would ask Gud concerning how he may handle a situation, should it ever arise.  At the beginning of our relationship, I was extremely curious, and while I have always had the freedom to ask anything of my HOH, many of my questions were, “What would happen to me if I did….” Or “What would my punishment be if I did…?”  Because we were still "getting to know one another," he became quite distraught. It seemed, to him, that I was toying with the idea of actually trying some of these behaviors I was reading examples of online.   One night, after some of my questions, we had quite a lengthy discussion. I reassured him that I was not thinking about trying any of the behaviors I had inquired about, but was just curious how he would handle those situations.  Through our discussion we talked about the fact that being a wife in a CDD relationship, should NEVER make him feel that he has another child in his home.  From my perspective, submitting to my husband is required of me by God. That is how He created us. I have but two main desires in my life, and all other things fall so nicely into those two categories. First of all, my desire is to be pleasing to God, to be the woman He created me to be, use the talents and gifts He gave me for His glory and benefit.  Secondly, my desire is to be submissive and pleasing to Gud.  The one key to this is that my HOH is a Man of God, submissive to God, and lives his life according to God’s Word.  When a man does those things, as a Christian woman, why would I NOT want to follow him?  I love the fact that my HOH is strong enough in God’s Word, that when he sees something in me not of a holy nature, he can quickly point that out to me, in a very loving, very gentle way, but in a way that I have a desire to want to change, because it is God’s teaching and not his.  Being a Christian and growing in Christ, is an ongoing process.  It is not something that is “finished” when we accept Christ, and I WANT to grow.   In Ephesians 5:22, which is used so frequently in CDD circles, it says: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.”  This is not given as an option, but as a command.  It does not say, “Wives, when you feel like it, or in a good mood, or not PMSing, or not mad because you haven’t had a spanking in four weeks, then, if you would like to, you can submit to your husbands.”  There are no conditions placed on that command to submit. I am sure that women were just as hormonal in Bible times as they are now, created in the same way, by the same God.  When something is pointed out to me, by my HOH, that he does not agree with, then from that time on I make every attempt to NOT do that.  He does not pick on every little trivial thing that I do, but the things that set us apart from the world (Romans 12:2 do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is- His good pleasing and perfect will). We are to be different, we are to look different, we are to be an example of holy living (1 Corinthians 1:2, 1 Peter 1:15-16). Living a Holy life, is also a command, not an option.  1 Peter 1: 15-16 says: “But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written, ‘Be holy, because I am holy.’”  BE HOLY…again, there are not conditions placed on this command.   I think when we “act out” and have tantrums, and choose to do things intentionally that we know our husbands disapprove of (bad language, lying, speeding, not doing a chore or a task) we are acting like children and put them in positions to treat us like children.  I KNOW that I am going to mess up, I know that I am going to do things that I shouldn’t do, and I KNOW I will be punished for it.  But, when I really make a conscious effort to submit to and please Gud, then those things are not so much of a temptation, and if I stop and think and PRAY about my actions before doing them, I will usually choose not make a poor choice.   If I am in a bad mood, I try to go for a walk and pray or go to a quiet place for a few minutes and pray.  If nothing else get in the shower, turn on the warm water, and just close your eyes and pray.  Many don’t believe in the power of prayer, but I have had it work in my life and I will continue to keep that line of communication open with my Father. For me, bratting or doing something that I KNOW I am not supposed to do, or asking and being told no and then pouting or doing it anyway, is a childish way to handle the situation, so why would I complain about being treated like a child when acting like one??  To quote my HOH,  “Discipline shouldn’t have to be weekly- you are supposed to mature and learn and stop doing wrong things. If a wife feels that she needs the release of a spanking, then she should talk to her HOH instead of bratting and try to get that need met without purposefully acting out. HOH’s should not HAVE to discipline their wives-it’s something that should be rare. This is not to say that spanking cannot be done for romantic reasons or stress relief reasons, but discipline should be something a wife does to herself- it is called self-control.  The HOH should only have to step in and discipline his wife but rarely, when she needs added help to show self-control in a specific area.”  Now, that quote came from him in the beginning stages of our relationship, but I think it is safe to say, that he expects me to practice self-control so the spankings I receive do not have to be discipline, but more support and encouragement, and reminders.   On the topic of inconsistency, I have come to a few of the conclusions:  1. Some HOHs may become inconsistent because they do not see growth in their wives.  If they are trying and trying, and there is no growth or behavior maturity, they may just feel like, “what’s the point?”   2. For others, it may be that they do not feel the need or the importance of domestic discipline.  In that case, it would NOT be “submissive” to force him into something that he did not feel led to do.  If you feel that you NEED domestic discipline because of your attitude or behavior and your spouse is not willing, then there is one answer as a Christian woman. PRAY that God remove your attitude and your behavior and help you become a submissive wife to your husband, and it is OK to let him know that you are praying for that, and ask him to pray for that.    3. Some HOHs have a problem with discipline spanking because they do not want to hurt their wife.  They agree with DD and with punishment, but they feel bad if their wife is hurt.   4.  Life happens and scheduling and finding time can often be hard to work into a schedule and be a lot of work.   We have found over through our CDD lifestyle that some things change as we change.  Every couple has different needs, but from my perspective, when we commit to ttwd, we are saying, "Help me be a better person!"  We have a responsibility to actually put effort forth to be that person, we have to communicate our need for spankings, and we have to be open when our HOH isn't as consistent as we need for him to be.